have you ever felt like a fake for the wrong reasons? yeah… story of my life. im that preppy little girl at school that everyone seems to think, “wow, she hasn’t got a care in the world. everything’s perfect for her.” haha. WRONG. nobody knows about the real me. yeah, the one who SI’s. never would have guessed it by the polo’s and pearls, right? surprise, surprise. i guess i’ve become a pretty good actress… in the past year ive been depressed, and no one even knows, and im too scared to tell anyone. i guess its started with my mom, me being 15, 5’7, and 100lbs, she thinks im fat. everyday its the same thing being called names, and judged… “your getting pretty big”… i cant take it anymore, i scream back, “do you want me to stop eating?! would that make it better?!”… under my breath its always “too late, and you’ll never know.” i have battled a slight eating disorder… on and off being bulimic or anorexic… its always something. SI, i know is not a solution, but its something i can control. its something that relieves a bit of stress at that moment but i feel like crap after. i know what i am doing i dangerous… but i cant help it. this summer, my mom noticed some injuries on me, she was FURIOUS, making me even more angry. she said that is she ever saw me doing such things ever again, she was going to send me away. after that she just kind of brushed it under the rug… until she started getting mad at me again. she started calling me names. so i waited it out until she forgot… all the while injuring in a different way. then again i started. one day last month my family had a huge fight. my dad never knew about my “incident” and all the while i felt guilty, but me and my dad are super close and i didnt want him to know because i didnt want to hurt him. that day of the fight we were in the car just me and him, and i started to cry.. he asked why and i said i couldnt tell him. he kept asking until i said “i had a bad summer.. i was depressed.. and only mom saw it..” he was asking what my mom saw until he guessed “did you hurt yourself??” i nodded. he asked where…. i didnt respond… he finally put all the pieces together and said that if i need to go talk to someone all i had to do was ask… but, now its becoming more serious. i think about death all the time. i feel like i shouldnt be here and i need to die, but i know if i do, it would hurt the ones i love, and my friends, who i never want to put through as much pain as im in. today i still SI and i still feel terrible. nothing has changed and i wish i had the strength to ask for help. but i dont.. im just the little plastic prep hiding behind polo’s and pearls.
I’m a pastor’s kid and I know what you are talking about with the “front” — I guess self-injury was always my quiet rebellion because otherwise, I was a pretty good kid. As people from my past have slowly found out about my struggles with self-injury (telling others has been part of the recovery process for me), it has come as a shock because I apparently hid it so well.
One thing you seem to have going for you is that your dad is willing to let you get help, meaning a counselor or someone. Take the help he is offering – please – because your dad wouldn’t have said something to you if he didn’t love you and didn’t care about you. Maybe if you can get help now, it won’t get any worse.
SO I read your post, and I cried. I was never the “prep” in school, in fact I was the one those kids usually made fun of, or spread rumors about. I hated those kids, thought to myself, ” they have it all, if they only knew what I was going through”. When I read your post, I realized, those kids arent exempt from feeling what I was feeling. They just expressed it by taking it out on me, by fulfilling their “role” of being a prep. You saying what you did in your post has made me realize even the “preppy” kids hurt. and perhaps the ones making fun of me when I was in high school were experiencing alot of the same things I was… same things I still do. SO I know how you feel, and I know what it’s like to not want to live, I also know what its like to hurt myself daily and be scared to ask for help, or to tell my parents or friends because I dont want to hurt them. But after I went to SAFE program, I realized, Im still hurting them… by not telling them. Because they knew something was wrong… they just didnt know what. and frankly, if your dad said it once that he would help you get to talk to someone, I am almost sure he would say it again if you approached him about it. I find it hard to go to my parents even still now… so sometimes writing them a note, or text message or email… some less direct way works too. I know what its like to be where you are right now, and it sucks really bad. I know what its like to wake up each morning and wonder/ wish you hadnt. but I also know what its like to hold on, to gain hope and to find peace. I still struggle yes, and I think I have gained much wisdom from my experiences, but I also know its no way to live. SO please… speak to your dad, i know its scary, but sometimes the scariest things are the best for us. and your mom might threaten to “send you away” but take it as it comes… she might just be saying that because shes scared too… just like you are. and hey… if it ever does come to that point… mention the SAFE program… it saved my life, and other peoples i know… 🙂
Please… if you want to talk or have questions, or just want an encouraging word… send me an email…
Chrissytobias@gmail.com
I will respond, and Ill listen … no strings attached! 🙂
Hang in there… the only way now is up… really, because you took a huge step coming on this site even and asking for help… you can do this.
Chrissy
🙁 i know exactly how you feel. but you can tell just by the fact that you were able to tell your father that you are strong. im sorry that you are going through that with your mother. you are NOT fat..the weight you stated is pretty small in my opinion. I understand that it’s hard hiding behind what people see in the public. It’s like when you’re out..you feel like you HAVE to act happy or okay..but as soon as you get behind closed doors..you know the resources there to SI and you see the true you peeking out from behind thos e pearls and polo’s. have you tried to talk to a friend about this? someone else you trust.
it makes me angry that your mother got angry about it..that would have made me even madder, too.
maybe this will help you::..you go on the whole time while you SI, doing it because you don’t want to hurt anyone else..like the one’s you love [as you said earlier..your friends and stuff]..but in the end, if you dont TELL them and get the help you need, and they find out on their own…then it ends up affecting them too..they feel like they’re not good enough..and like you can’t trust them. it’s a cycle.
and someone out here IS there for you..and willing to help.
i hope you feel better..and find the strength that i know you have inside of you, just by this post, to tell someone.
–silent
I know how it feels, to always be pretending to be someone else. Everyone thinks I’m so sweet and perfect, it’s hard when I try to tell them what a hard time I’m having. My parents hardly take me seriously, they assume I can’t possibly feel this bad when I pretend so well. I hope you can get some help. If you have a friend you can trust in, it helps to have someone to show all parts of you. 5’7″ and 100 lbs is actually pretty underweight. No matter what your mom says, I’m sure you’re really thin. Whatever your mom’s obsession with weight is, I’m guessing it’s not related to you or how you look. Opening up to someone about this stuff, like a counselor or friend, might be helpful. Stay strong.
I went on a BMI calculator and it said that you are actually underweight. Try using a BMI calculator and showing your mom this. I know how you feel about not being comfortable with your weight. I am the same age as you, an inch shorter and twice your weight. Today my grandma suggested i go to fat camp. Good luck w/ your mom.
-lindsay
“When I read your post, I realized, those kids arent exempt from feeling what I was feeling.”
hiding it from everyone and being the perfect girl is not worth it.
i relate to the second person who commented — I’m guilty of mocking preps and thinking, “What could be wrong with their lives? They go to parties, they get all the money and food they could ever need..” but I know that’s not really true. People are people; everyone has feelings and everyone, EVERYONE gets depressed.
I agree, you should ask your father for help. You are fortunate in the fact that you have someone willing to help you, and it sounds like you are strong if you could say that to him.