have you ever felt like a fake for the wrong reasons? yeah… story of my life. im that preppy little girl at school that everyone seems to think, “wow, she hasn’t got a care in the world. everything’s perfect for her.” haha. WRONG. nobody knows about the real me. yeah, the one who SI’s. never would have guessed it by the polo’s and pearls, right? surprise, surprise. i guess i’ve become a pretty good actress… in the past year ive been depressed, and no one even knows, and im too scared to tell anyone. i guess its started with my mom, me being 15, 5’7, and 100lbs, she thinks im fat. everyday its the same thing being called names, and judged… “your getting pretty big”… i cant take it anymore, i scream back, “do you want me to stop eating?! would that make it better?!”… under my breath its always “too late, and you’ll never know.” i have battled a slight eating disorder… on and off being bulimic or anorexic… its always something. SI, i know is not a solution, but its something i can control. its something that relieves a bit of stress at that moment but i feel like crap after. i know what i am doing i dangerous… but i cant help it. this summer, my mom noticed some injuries on me, she was FURIOUS, making me even more angry. she said that is she ever saw me doing such things ever again, she was going to send me away. after that she just kind of brushed it under the rug… until she started getting mad at me again. she started calling me names. so i waited it out until she forgot… all the while injuring in a different way. then again i started. one day last month my family had a huge fight. my dad never knew about my “incident” and all the while i felt guilty, but me and my dad are super close and i didnt want him to know because i didnt want to hurt him. that day of the fight we were in the car just me and him, and i started to cry.. he asked why and i said i couldnt tell him. he kept asking until i said “i had a bad summer.. i was depressed.. and only mom saw it..” he was asking what my mom saw until he guessed “did you hurt yourself??” i nodded. he asked where…. i didnt respond… he finally put all the pieces together and said that if i need to go talk to someone all i had to do was ask… but, now its becoming more serious. i think about death all the time. i feel like i shouldnt be here and i need to die, but i know if i do, it would hurt the ones i love, and my friends, who i never want to put through as much pain as im in. today i still SI and i still feel terrible. nothing has changed and i wish i had the strength to ask for help. but i dont.. im just the little plastic prep hiding behind polo’s and pearls.