There are presents under our Christmas tree for my mom’s boyfriend.  This really upsets me.  All i want to do right now is SI.  I dont know why i let this get to me.  Im just so sad right now.  All i want is for my parents to get back together.  I hate the holidays.  I hate my mom’s boyfriend.  I hate SI because it makes me feel better and then makes me feel like crap.  Im just so angry and sad and all these other emotions that i cant even explain.

I just want to feel better.  But some days it seems like i never will.  I know that i can stop SI if i really want to, but some days i dont know if i want to.  I see how happy my mom is with this man.  And the fact that this time around i am being pleasent to him.  What she doesnt know is that i am SIing again just so i have enough patience to be pleasent with him.  I feel like it is worth it if it makes my mom happy though.  Because she deserves to be happy.  even if it means im not.