Around this time a year ago, I was doing ecstasy and Xanax, I was horribly depressed and anxious, I felt disconnected from everyone around me, I felt as if there was no end to the sadness and the joy of the holidays was completely over my head. I was not particularly close with anyone in my family and was living in tension with my mother (who most likely has BPD). A good day to me was one in which I made it to the end without hurting or killing myself, and without being in a deep, hazy depression. I couldn’t really picture the future or hope for good things. Everything was about surviving. Instead of hoping my scene went really well in my acting studio class, I would hope I would make it through without embarrassing myself or damaging my already withering self-esteem. There was very little if any joy in my life.
This year is sooooo much better! I not only hope for good things to happen, I expect them. Wellbutrin/therapy has helped me immensly. There are not enough words to describe how much differently I feel now than last year. Reading the bible and praying have been a big part of my healing as well. Christmas day will be five months of safety. Of all the days. A huge theme in my life. I knew before that the way I was living and feeling wasn’t normal, but I didn’t know that I could ever feel any other way. I knew people in the world had strength and hope and joy and stability, yet I didn’t think I could ever be one of them. It’s sad that I felt this way at only 19. My life has barely begun and I thought it was already over.
Though I do know I am going to have the urge to SI one day, maybe even soon, it still doesn’t even feel like an option. I notice my way of thinking has shifted. When thinking of SIing before, I would feel a slight longing for it. Even if I wasn’t sad. Something in me craved it. Now I couldn’t imagine doing it again. For me to come close, it would have to be something huge like being expelled from school and losing my job on the same day. But even then, I will know that SIing never really helped me. It just made me sadder in the end. Plus, the next crisis that comes into my life will be handled so much better because I am such a stronger and wiser woman. God is good and life is good! Everyone can get there.