All. I want to do right now. Is SI.

That’s all my mind has been coming back to for hours now… since 6pm tonight. Over and over and over… no matter what I do. I just want to do it secretly and no one will know. Just until this stressful part of life is over. Just a little while longer. That’s all I want to do.

When will this end. When will all of this end. Everything is so far beyond ok. Will this ever end? I just need a break. If I SI it seems like I will be able to do life tomorrow but less hope I will ever live the life I want to; if I don’t SI it seems like the “right thing” in the now for the life I want eventually, but how does that long-term possiblity help if the NOW is UNBEARABLE?? Which one has more hope? Either? What if neither has hope and I go down either way. This is too much for me. I need a little relief from the chaos inside of me. Please. Please.