One of the main triggers for my injuring used to be seeing my mom with her boyfriend. In fact the first time i injured i was very upset because her boyfriend was over. I was just starting to get to the point where i could accept the fact that my mom was with someone other than my dad, and then he broke up with her. A few months went by and now they’re dating again. I went to s.a.f.e. over the summer and have been SI free for almost two months now. I am just so afraid that i will relapse. I know that SI is a choice, and i have been doing well, but im just afraid that with one of my major triggers back that i will relapse. How do i keep from injuring when this is going on?
there are many things you can do. some things that help me the most, especially when triggers are attacking me, are:
*listening to music
*writing or drawing
*the ice trick (hold ice instead of si)
*praying and talking to God (i’m religious, but i don’t know if you are)
i haven’t been able to talk to anyone yet, but i know this would help a lot. you could also tell your mom that you are feeling angry or sad or whatever, if you want to. you can try to make her understand how she is hurting you. if she sees that she is causing you pain, she will probably try to help.
but don’t do anything that you think will be triggering or worsen the urge. you know your limits.
i’m sorry if i’m not of help. i hope you find what you are looking for.
Can you avoid spending one-on-one time with mom and boyfriend together? Try and keep the time with mom just with mom and tell your mom you need the “alone time” with her — and she should understand this. Boyfriends are not the same as dad’s and if mom can’t understand this, then tell her exactly why it is hard to be around her and her boyfriend together: “Mom when I see you and “x” together or when you and “x” are together with me, it is hard for me to emotionally process and it makes me want to hurt myself. I don’t know how else to say it right now, but I don’t want to hurt myself and I need your help when I’m feeling this way. Can you help me stay safe right now?”
You have the right to tell your mom you are uncomfortable with her dating someone and having that “someone” in YOUR life right now. Mom can still date, but she doesn’t have to include you in the process – until it is much more serious (like engagement). If your mom wants you in the process, tell her you can’t be a part of it until you have learned how to better deal with the divorce. Be as straight forward with your mom as you can – use your words, rather than your actions, to express how you are feeling.
I hated it when my mother started dating again because her boyfriend’s didn’t always respect me, as I was her oldest. I eventually had to accept my mother was going to marry again and tried to focus on how it might make her life happier, which it did. Her last husband died suddenly (notice how I don’t call him my step-dad)… and now she is dating again and I feel a lot of hostitilty toward this new guy, mainly because he treats us kids like crap. My mother is an adult and I’m one too, so I do the best I can to let her do what she feels is necessary – but I don’t let her or her boyfriends treat me poorly anymore. My mother deserves to be happy and I can’t judge her for the decisions she makes, even if it means her hurting the children (who are now all adults – well, my youngest brother turns 18 in one month).
Try and respect your mom, but you need to tell her you aren’t comfortable just yet with her bringing guys home and into your life.
You didn’t say how comfortable you are talking to your mom one-on-one. If that is hard or you don’t have the opportunity with the boyfriend around now, how about writing your feelings down in a letter to her. I’ve often found I can express myself more freely that way. It might open up the lines of communication.