Hey everyone… I didn’t realize how valuable this blog was until the last month or two. Coming back from SAFE and being able to hear from people who were there before/with/after me is such an encouraging/useful thing. I know a lot of the posts aren’t “happy” exactly… but they help remind me that I am not alone and I am not crazy.
So, I haven’t posted in a few months; Sometimes I think if I pretend my life isn’t happening, or SAFE didn’t happen, or my past didn’t happen, or SI isn’t / wasn’t a problem… then things are ok and I will be ok. Otherwise, I feel completely overwhelmed. I guess that could be the defining word to describe the last 10 weeks since I got back from TX: overwhelmed. I returned to a temporary living situation, a part-time job, a city and relationships full of memories and triggers, the weight of bills, school loans, decisions about the future, and what to do with / say to friends and family about where I have been / how I am / the things I have been processing. I have never had this happen before… but the flashbacks (I am told that’s what they’re called), nightmares, and my anxiety… it’s all just suffocating me. Things have never been this intense. The depression has, but not this nightmare/memories/anxiety thing. To the point where I still don’t have a full time job (my anxiety issues lately plus the economy don’t equal great job chances), I moved out of my apartment yesterday with no plan for where I’m going next (so I am sleeping on a friend’s couch for a week… until I decide what to do next week), no insurance (I didn’t work enough hours last quarter), no official counselor (my old counselor wants to stay in touch, but the no insurance thing and the no money thing is a bit of a conundrum), and… I guess my patience and endurance is wearing extremely thin. I SIed three times since I have been back… the last one 3 weeks ago. I keep wanting to say I don’t have a problem, it’s not that big of a deal… and then I remember I’ve been to 30 day treatment for it and I STILL have issues with it. But what does admitting it’s an issue really do for me? You know? Except make me feel crappy and like everything is even more out of control. I’m told a lot of my symptoms are the same as ptsd… and on the one hand, that is really relieving – it makes more sense than anything else I have been diagnosed with, it means there might be hope for things to change, there’s a reason things are crazy and it’s not that I am just a failure at life; but on the other hand I feel like great, well, it doesn’t really matter what you call it if I don’t have insurance or a way to make things better. I don’t want another label. I want someone to show me the way out of this. I will fight to get there… I just need to know the way. SAFE has opened up a big part of that way… more than I EVER imagined… ever… but I don’t know where to go from here. People say things get better… it just takes time… but I feel like no, things are not fine now. I am silently screaming (without SIing) trying to communicate that I don’t have things left inside of me. Borrowing hope only lasts so long. I’m tired. I don’t really want to die, or SI (which will lead to more depression and ultimately, probably trying to die), but I need there to be a way out… a way for a little relief. I need a place I can live and feel safe, I need insurance or at least a counselor who understands trauma and isn’t scared of someone with a history of SI, I need a place I feel like I belong and am loved (how do I make me heart know something that my head knows… like the fact that I DO have people who love me), I need a job, I need purpose in getting up tomorrow and next week, I need to believe I can do something worthwhile to help others in the world, I need energy to do necessary things and things I enjoy, I need money to buy food and new shoes and pay for rent somewhere, I need to believe it’s ok to keep using words even though it’s been 2 months and my life doesn’t feel fine or ok and isn’t where I want it to be. I don’t want to hear one more person say that I am hurting or I am healing or I am partly dealing with a mental illness that can be helped and get better … I don’t want excuses… I just want things to change. I know I am the only one who can change them, so I feel like if they’re not changing I am failing. If I am failing this much, then I should probably just quit because I don’t deserve to spend time with people or be loved or take up space on the planet or use words. (Wow. And I should probably do 20 PAGES of negative thinking logs.) 😉 I guess I am just really tired, in every way possible. I’m tired of fighting. I need there to be a way for a little rest and a plan for the road to a different life.
Guys, I don’t know the way out of this. And I’m not good at using words or talking and I think I sound ridiculous. But I’m glad maybe someone else understands a tiny bit. And I’m so thankful there are people who have compassion and professional skills who fight to help others find their way to a different life. That’s incredible. Ok, I’m going to stop talking now. I have said more than enough. 🙂