Yesterday was my first day back to school and guard after my 7 day hospitilization at the medical center. It was my choice to go, along with the school psycologist’s ultimatum that if I injure over the thankgiving holiday I would have to be brought to mental health. But overall, it was my choice. I thought it would make me better, I thought it would help. And it did, for a day at least. They put me on meds for Depression and for anti phsycotic and sleeping difficulties. The night before last, was my first time taking the one medication. And mabye that was it, that made me have the breakdown last night. Or mabye it was the pressure of going back to school and back to practice, like shannon said. Or mabye both. I had been having mild anxiety attacks throughout the day yesterday but when I got home and isolated myself back to my room and locked myself in my thoughts, I injured again. For no real reason that I could remember. Then at practice I started feeling even more panicy& shaking and dizzy than I had earlier in the day. We were doing across the floors and I felt like my head was falling off from everything spinning around me. And the main coach was asking me, “Catherine, are you alright?” and everyone was saying my name and even though they were talking quietly it seemed like they were screaming and their words were blowing up in my head and everything was blowing up in my face. I wobbled to the bathroom and washed my face and leaned against the bathroom stall and cried. Melissa came in to see what was going on and I couldnt exactly explain it other than that I was shaking and dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up. Eventually I sucked it up and went back to practicing. I held it all in until I got into the house and I was standing in the kitchen getting water and all of a sudden it all just hit me and I was crying in shaking and I sat on the floor and my parents and my aunt were all talking to me and I just kept crying and saying that I’m going to die and I’ll end up back in the hospital. My mother called the hospital and talked to one of the nurses and told her what was going on and she asked if I injured again and I said no, I didnt. But I did, and my mother knew. She was so dissapointed. And my father was even more dissapointed. And its my fault, I know this. Mrs Kuss says its not, she says none of this is my fault but it is. It really really is. And my parents, now dont trust me anymore, probably never will. And my mother tells me I need to confide in her and I can tell her anything but, now, in this situation she tells me that if she even hears me talk negitivly about myself or hurt myself or say I dont want to live, she will put me away again. And I know that if I keep doing this I’m going to end up in an asylum, longer than just a week. So. To get to the point.. Does anyone relate? Does anyone knows what this feels like, any of this. The medication issue, depression, injuring, parents??