im a recovering injurer. well im not sure if im recovering, but im getting help for it. i started injuring two years ago, but stopped for the first time on my own. now im trapped in its vicious spell again. ive wanted desperately to talk to someone who gets it so my therapist told me about this site. im still not sure of my feelings on this but oh well. i suppose i shall try it.
okay so injuring. i tell myself every day i am not a canvas for my own self destruction. i dont want that for myself, and its hurting all the people i love the most. injuring is your best friend that flips your life inside out, and doesnt stick around to help pick up the pieces. then it comes slinking back in, disguised as your ally, and you return to it, but then it screws you over once more. my friends worry about me and i hate it. i hate wanting to injure. i hate that i dont know how to cope. i dont like to feel things. but sometimes your emotions need to be released. thats where the injuring comes in. some people injure so they feel alive, not me. i dont it to get rid of all my thoughts. writing sometimes kind of does the same thing, so i write. whenever i feel myself drowning in a tidal wave of scary thoughts, i try pouring my heart out onto paper instead. the other thing i do is listen to specific music. i know it sounds weird, but its helps me. sometimes, the music can make me experience that same things without actually hurting myself.
You sound like you are on the right step. I’m in recovery too and my current streak is a little over 60days, but I’ve actively been in recovery for 1.5yrs… and have accepted that “slip-ups” are part of the process — but I refuse to let the slip-ups ruin the process.
I cannot stress how important it is to actively combat the negative thoughts when they come into my private space (aka my head). Carry around things with you that will help you push them out. One of the things I have used in the past and have found some success with is in using index cards with positive quotations/ scriptures (faith is the backbone of my recovery)/ positive affirmations – they fit in a backpack or purse, which can be pulled out and “studied” without much suspicion of others questioning the cards you have on a ring.
Other things I do when the thoughts get in and I can’t seem to push them out include:
– praying outloud
– telling the thoughts to leave my head and giving permission for the good thoughts to come back in
– texting a friend and admit to them that I”m urging
– picking up the phone and calling someone and just talking about anything/ everything to help me get through the moment
– writing (email, blog, physical journal offline, letters to friends to snail mail, etc…)
– listening to positive music (which I’m doing right now as I type)
– crochet (it keeps my hands busy and is a positive outlet for my hands)
– visit discussion boards/ blogs to read and respond or post
The hardest thing for me to realize and continue to realize is how recovery is PROCESS, which means it doesn’t happen overnight. I didn’t start these behaviors overnight and I’m not going to get rid of them overnight. The physical after-effects aren’t going away overnight either, they can only fade with time… just like the memories that brought them there to begin with.
I struggle daily with letting my faith control my life, not my self-injury, and it is hard — but it is so worth it! I believe I’ll be self-injury someday. I have to want it bad enough and have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.
If you ever want to talk, I’m here purpleagent711@sbcglobal.net .
thanks for that response. its nice knowing theres other people out there, especially when the feeling of isolation takes over. i dont like having these scary thoughts in my head, so im just going to focus on getting rid of them. im here to talk to, emmadixon12@gmail.com
i also SI’ed to feel numb, to make my emotions go away, and you do some of the same things i do when i want to SI; listen to music, write. something i found that works well is just writing every single thought you have down, unedited and uncensored. it’s a good way to make your feelings real without having to SI. it’s really good that you see SI in a bad light, because i feel that once you see how it can make your life hell, it helps to want to end it. and i’m always here to talk if you need to, dumdiddly311@yahoo.com
if you listen to music to help feel better, try the song “the way she feels” by between the trees. its about si, just as a warning, in case thats triggering. however, the message is positive, and its about a girl who stops, and i find it inspirational and just a beautiful song to get me through tough times. whenever i really want to si, i put it on repeat. sometimes experiening the emotion that way can save me from taking it out on my body.
that’s a really good idea. and also late at night when i want to SI, i’ve created a playlist of calming, happy music that i can just drown everything out with and fall asleep to, and i find that helps a lot.
Cassandras right, you are taking the right steps. Or at least thats what we think and we hope, right? I’m right along here with you. I’ve been self injuring for three years, I also stopped on my own a few times. Only for a while though. I started up again last year and it just went on from there& got worse and worse this year for reasons I still cant understand. Ive been seeing a therapist for about a year but its gotten worse since I’ve seen her and since group stopped. When I was hospitilized last week the doctors there told my parents and I that I should find a new therapist because I was never able to fully open up to her, and because she was blaming me for the things that were happening and that had happened to me. And making me think even worse of myself, even though most of it was out of my control, the main triggers. But they put me on medication and I’ve even had a slip up or two since I’ve been out [monday]. And had a mental breakdown last night. And I feel as if I’m worthless and useless and hopeless. You dont need to listen to me or even care what I’m saying. But if there are things that have happened or are happening, find someone you can put your faith in to not hurt you, someone you can talk to about anything, even the injuring, and get it out as soon as you can. They say, the best therapist is a good friend. Otherwise you’ll end up like me and many other people this has happened to, or even worse. Only you can help yourself. I dont know you& you dont know me but if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here, believe me, I could use someone to talk to, and some support& I’m sure you could too.
Catherine Elizabeth
youre not worthless, useless or anything. youre trying to help yourself, youre admitting theres a problem, and thats pretty damn brave. remember, there are people that love you and a whole network of people here who dont know you, but support you and want you to succeed. and yes, trusting your therapist is hugee! so please, loveyourself enough to get the help you need. do what you need to do, dont listen to anyone else about it, just help yourself. you WILL get better.