All weekend all I’ve thought about was how much rage, anger, pain, self-loathing and all those lovely negative thoughts a person could have of oneself. I know it doesn’t help that I’m also feeling numb. Well today I e-mailed my Therapist told her I want to quit seeing her and my psychiatrist. Well! You probably know what she said ( No You Don’t). Well! I don’t know how to explain this part, but I’ll do my best. After everything that was done and could be done by my father, uncles, cousins, and last but not least my mother’s boyfriend I realized that it took away a part of me and CHANGED my life. I had brain surgery back in 1991 and that also CHANGED my life, but in a huge way I had a good job, nice apartment, and a car at least a car that ran and I took care of it it was something that meant a lot to me and in one upward motion was gone. Now comes the fun part I got a call from an old friend yesterday and she asked what am I doing? I stupidly said nothing so she said I’ll pick you up and we’ll hang out until today. You see this is where the problem gets bigger when I first met her my mom was impressed by how she could keep in line and how I listened to everything she said which at the time I did. Well she picked me up and we went back to her apartment (she’s in the process of moving) and she asked if I could give her a hand packing, during the drive she got a phone call and not meaning to I heard her say to the person I’ll meet you at the condo. That’s when my whole world just sudden got worse. I started thinking how I wish I could have everything everyone else has and it was at that point I wanted to self-injury you see I’m suppose to be staying away from her because of that web she could spin so well and trap people in it like me. I always fell for everything she ever said and that was my down fall now at one time I tried(how could I say this) I tried ending my life because I wanted away from her and plus one time as stupid as this sounds I felt abandon because she had someone to love her and I didn’t and that was after my surgery. Well today I feel like SIing so badly because like I told my therapist I wish I could be 10% of what she and my psychiatrist is & I wish I had 5% of that. I feel that all those big things that happened to me CHANGED the course of my life and I’m trying so hard today to just keep it together that all I want to to is self-injure. I fell into that trap and i knew I should’ve gone with her, but something just got to me. After talking to my therapist before doing this I as her how did it happen again. I knew to say no, but why? did yes I’ll come come come out. HOW?
WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO LEARN THAT YOU CAN’T GO BACK. How do I stop letting this eat at me and not tear me apart anymore than it has. HOW? When will I ever learn? Today I could use all the the help I could get to stay away from wanting to SI. I need help in trying to make sense of all this knowing I was suppose to stay far far away from her.