I will be safe for exactly four months tomorrow. Self injury rarely enters my mind as an option. Wellbutrin, reading the bible/attending church, and counseling has definitely helped. What I have noticed is that my SI is very much connected to my body image. I have also struggled with purging. After eating something “bad” I feel incredibly guilty. Sometimes I make myself throw up. It isn’t very often; once a month if that. Yet if I do purge or go a day or two where I’m not eating healthy and making progress towards my goal weight, the urge to SI sky-rockets. I feel this intense need to punish myself so that I will get back on track. I don’t know why since it has never given me more motivation to lose weight.
I also have been getting the urge to SI when I have high anxiety or am very frustrated or mad. Again, this doesn’t happen very often but it’s there. I am happy with the progress I’ve made but am disappointed that the urges are still there. I thought I wouldn’t be having them by now. How long will it take before they stop? Do they stop? I never want to SI again because I know I will be so disappointed and I’m afraid that it would lead me back into that dark and miserable depression that was my norm for a year and a half.