I will be safe for exactly four months tomorrow. Self injury rarely enters my mind as an option. Wellbutrin, reading the bible/attending church, and counseling has definitely helped. What I have noticed is that my SI is very much connected to my body image. I have also struggled with purging. After eating something “bad” I feel incredibly guilty. Sometimes I make myself throw up. It isn’t very often; once a month if that. Yet if I do purge or go a day or two where I’m not eating healthy and making progress towards my goal weight, the urge to SI sky-rockets. I feel this intense need to punish myself so that I will get back on track. I don’t know why since it has never given me more motivation to lose weight.
I also have been getting the urge to SI when I have high anxiety or am very frustrated or mad. Again, this doesn’t happen very often but it’s there. I am happy with the progress I’ve made but am disappointed that the urges are still there. I thought I wouldn’t be having them by now. How long will it take before they stop? Do they stop? I never want to SI again because I know I will be so disappointed and I’m afraid that it would lead me back into that dark and miserable depression that was my norm for a year and a half.
Are you in a program? Are you able to regularly talk with a therapist or counselor about the purging and SI? I also resort to both to manage anxiety, stress, anger, or for self-punishment, etc… Talking about my feelings, past experineces and hopes for my future have really done a lot to help me manage the urges to use these less helpful coping “strategies,” plus, since I see a psychiatrist, we’ve added some medications, that have tremendously curbed my binging and purging urges and helped me drop a lot of weight and stick to my walking routine. I walk 2 1/2 miles 4-5 times a week, and of course regular exercise greatly improves the way anyone deals with stress, etc. I. The medications are stabilizing my moods better than anything I’ve ever used and my thinking “feels” the way I believe “normal” people must typically process thoughts and feelings. Very stable, except when experiencing a flashback or otherwise in a hyper-aroused feeling state, then I still am able to manage pretty well and the episode resolves in a resonable time and manner. My point…Topamax is a very, very good mood stabilizer and may be something you want to investigate, with a doctor, to help you avoid the urge to SI, and I mention it since you also have the eating disorder issue [as I do…that sounds life-long…as mine is] and the Topamax has been a huge blessing in combination with the Wellbutrin. I learned about the Topamax in a very good book by an M.D. titled, “Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified,” by Robert O. Friedel, MD. Hope this is helpful. By the way, I too receive the bulk of my support and encouragement from the Lord, His word, and my church friends and family. I’m blessed to work as a church music and communications secretary 4 days a week. If you’d like to communicate directly with me, I’d be glad to correspond with you via email; my address is grandsal@suddenlink.net. Take care of yourself.