I don’t know what is happening to me. I keep getting dizzy and confused and feel like I’m being closed in on. Therapy has been bad for me. Last time the therapist suggested hypnotherapy and nothing has ever been so dangerous. She started talking about a hospital and I couldn’t tell if she could do that against my will so I quite then felt euphoric for a awhile and stopped si within that euphoria. I’m really scared. I’ve never been given a diagnosis but I’ve been prescribed anti psychotics twice and bipolar medicine once. I never took any of it but I’m scared that something serious is wrong and that that is the reason this keeps coming back. One therapist told me it was like I had cancer and I hear her saying that to me. For me, talking about si makes the thoughts impossible to control, like it gives them wheels, but I don’t know what else to do so here I am. My husband had a negative view of therapy before I ever started and his view has been confirmed by my experiences so I don’t think I could convince him again. I’m pushing for couples therapy because that’s less threatening to him. Is it normal that talking makes things worse? My last therapy was 9 years ago. It all started 20 years ago. I’ve been mostly good. I think there were years when it may not have occurred to me but what happens when this never goes all the way away? Is it normal to feel so dizzy? It’s now been coming on for days and I think I know what started it and it’s something I want to go into but this FENCE will not let me into it. I’ve lived my life more narrowly than necessary because I can’t get into the stuff I need to get into. Instead my mind just collapses into si. I don’t understand and have no hope of making things better with my family or my husband if I can’t get past the fence. I keep feeling crazy and like si is the only thing in the world that makes sense. My big question, the one I hope there’s an answer to, is what do you do if you know you must be causing it but you can’t make it feel that way? If it feels like it’s coming from the outside? Intellectually, I understand that I’m causing it, which is the piece that has enabled me to make it go away at times but right now the way it feels is so strong that nothing is helping.
I truly understand precisely. There are times and seasons for this work and we accomplish it in bits throughout our lives as we are able…as our brains allow us to and our souls can bear the revelations of what’s beyond our well built “fences.” You and I have errected our fences for our safety and to enable us to live. We have families…lives…husbands…I have children, perhaps you do as well. And we go about our lives, and the stages with these special people, reconstructing our past lives, repeating and rebuilding, “fixing” the past. Freud termed it the “complusion to repeat.” We can’t help ourselves. Perhaps there’s something going on right now in your environment (the seasons, the holidays, a birthday, a recent loss), or you’re reaching a specific age (25, 35, 45, etc.) or someone close to you is a specific age, or you’re anticipating a change in the near future (a job change, a move, a child starting kindergarten, college, etc.). And there could be something intimately “triggering” about that detail in your life that’s stirring up something on the other side of your “fence” and making your thoughts of “SI” seemingly impossible to “control.” We want to know and resolve the past…but we don’t want to know. We truly are ambivalent and it’s maddening. SI can be a safety valve to let off the pressure and distract when the “knowing” seems a little too close for comfort. Maybe? I’m no expert. This is the way I experience it. Everything you wrote…I’ve had happen to me…to my body. The dizziness. The therapy making me WAY, WAY worse…like a different person. It’s called regression and it’s messy and truly not someething some people can do safely. And that’s okay if you can’t. Sometimes if the past can’t be successfully brought up and cleaned up in the present, then we just have to learn to radically live with the reality that we have. There are some really good resources just now coming on the market in the form of books on “mindfulness” that are getting “rave” customer reviews on amazon. If you’re interested, I’ll reply with the detail when I check back here. Also, I’ve been helped by a book by an MD, a really brilliant clinical neuroscientist, call Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, which helped me understand some of the neuroscience behind the genetics of how my brain functions and has always functioned. My abuse history compounded a problem that existed in my brain from the womb which makes emotional regulation and modulation nearly impossible when significantly stimulated. Intellectuallizing can’t stop the neurotransmitters from rapidly firing in a seizure-like pattern…that’s utterly beyond my control. When I began to understand the science behind my affect, the shame that drove a lot of my SI began to diminish and I’ve had better success finding alternatives to SI and waiting out the storms. George Harrison sang a song on his first solo album after the Beatles broke up called All Things Must Pass. I hope you’ll look it up and that the lyrics encourage you. The Beatles delivered me through the darkest days of my very, very young life and their music still gives me hope even if it is dusty and out of fashion. If talking makes you worse, then honor your instincts, but you can always come here and trot out some ideas, ask questions and just see how things feel when you “say ’em” out loud. It might be easier to write it than to speak it. Just be good to yourself.
Hi Donna,
Thank you for writing to me. I haven’t been able to come back here because it was becoming triggering. I feel so much better right now. It was a relief to hear that someone else experiences the dizziness. I do have a kid (10 yrs old). He makes giving in just not an option. I did do a little si and he saw some marks tonight. I made something up but I never want to have to do that again. Yoga is what keeps me out of the woods, psychologically speaking. I NEED it and it’s an incentive because people see my arms there and it doesn’t feel good to practice if they’re messed up anyway. I’ve had to stay home this last week but I’m going to go tomorrow with a couple bandaids. I get a good dose of mindfulness that way but would love to hear about the books you found helpful. I’d like to read them and think about how they have helped someone else with the same problem that I have. I got the SAFE book a few days ago. I have to slow myself down because too much of it is overwhelming but I had no idea how little I/any therapist I’ve seen understood about what goes on with me. I thought I was just hopeless. This is the way I can describe it: many years ago when I started yoga I was in awe of my teacher and couldn’t fathom how she knew my body better than I did- how the adjustments I never could have thought up were perfect for me. Now I know it’s just a matter of knowing anatomy. That’s what the book feels like- magical, like it understands some things about me that I don’t understand myself. And I have a picture that there is underlying anatomy that I might come know. I’ve just had a wave of fear. I need to go but thank you again for responding.
HI! I’m so glad you checked back! I’m so glad the S.A.F.E. book is resonating for you. You’ve encouraged me to get it too! And I’m very glad to know you have the blessing of your son — a wonderful, positive focal point when you need reminding “why” you want to stay on course. I’m glad you know yourself, are able to “feel” yourself, and say, “I have to slow myself down,” That’s very healthy! That serves you well! That’s taking very good care of yourself! Knowing your limits, when to back away, and honoring that feeling…I admire that. So many times, I ignored my own internal “barometer” and barreled on through, pressed on, pushed myself. So, keep trusting your instincts, and if it feels too hot, stay out of that kitchen. Slow and steady progress… Eat that elephant one tiny bite at a time and ultimately it will get eaten. I don’t know anything about yoga, but I imagine it teaches patience and sounds like you’re putting that virtue to active use. If you’d ever like to communicate directly via email, feel free; my email is grandsal@suddenlink.net. The book I referred to in the earlier post is titled: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Danial G. Amen MD. I can’t put my hands on the Mindfulness workbook right now, but I will, and I’ll get back to you. Also, I ran across an interesting website this morning belonging to Dr. Colin Ross, of the Colin Ross Institute for Psychological Trauma. He’s written lots of books and included an interesting excerpt from one which he titled “the woman who decided not to remember” [http://www.rossinst.com/osiris_woman.html]. I really identified with the woman in the story, though I don’t share her diagnosis, I shared her dilemma and could understand why she chose as she did, and i appreciated how Dr. Ross honored and respected her choice. I hope you’ll go to Dr. Ross’ site and read the excerpt. Sometimes it’s okay to not remember and do as much supportive therapy as possible to build up and improve our coping strategies so that we survive extremely well, if overcoming is not something we are capable of putting ourselves through at the moment. Your son is still quite young and needs you fully there for him. I understand why you would not want to face your “fear” right now…why you wouldn’t want to tear down your well-built fences, but rather you want to make sure they are squarely in position and well maintained for the coming storms of his teenage years! My nest is nearly empty…my youngest graduates from HS this year and my oldest from college! My “stuff” is crying out to be finally resolved, and I think “now” may be the time for me because my responsibilities as a mom are really minimal and I’m a lot less afraid of what’s on the other side of my “fences” than I was before. I think time does have a way of lessening the fearfulness of the “thing” just a little…though not enough. Hang in there and write me if you like.