I am in my mid 20s and have been SIing for about 12 years now. It all stems from various forms of abuse I dealt with for years as a kid. Now I consider myself blessed with what my life has become (a successful job, a stable relationship, etc.)-especially knowing what I lived through for years growing up. I still SI becuase it is my fall back way of dealing with stress, life events, and most often I use it as a form of self punishment. If I make a mistake (even the smallest one) that negatively impacts someone else or if I make something inconvenient for someone else, I get so worked up and feel awful about it. Since I feel I did something wrong I then feel I need to “punish” myself. The only thing I have that works to help with that is SI. Lately, due to the stress at my job, my SI has gotten progressively worse – the worse it has been in a while. I have tried counseling many times in the past but it always seems to fail, because it is hard to find someone who truly gets it. I am currently not seeing anyone, but probably should. But in the meantime I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on how to handle the self-punishment “urges”. I know that I am not a bad person, and that in a couple days time the feelings eventually fade, but in that moment the feeling to SI as a form of self-punishment is so strong I fear that one day I may make a mistake I will regret.
It’s been a long time since you posted, so I hope that you still check back. I identified closely with your comment, “If I make a mistake (even the smallest one) that negatively impacts someone else of if I make something inconvenient for someone else, I get so worked up and fell awful about it…” I also see that you say you’ve tried “counseling,” but did not say if you’d seen a psychiatrist or pursued psychotherapy. An MD could discuss the relative helpfulness of medications for the obsessiveness with which these thoughts overtake your thinking when they come up and the urges become undeniable. It seems like you have a known history of trauma and behavior that an MD would understand and could possibly suggest some medications that would benefit you, if you are willing to consider a pharmocological solution. Also, with so much early trauma in your life, your woundedness, no doubt has deep roots which will take a lot of time and commited talking to uproot. I know how frustrating it can be to earnestly seek a good match with a therapist only to be disappointed over and over again. Perhaps you could consider joining a group therapy to begin with. That way, you’d meet lots of people and have access to learning about their individual therapists [get recommendations…hear what they are like…etc…] and get an idea who might “fit” you. Plus group therapy works really best for a lot of people…even better than individual therapy. May that’s what would work best for you? Have you thought about pursuing the S.A.F.E. program? Maybe contact someone from S.A.F.E. directly and see what resources they can suggest in your area. The compulsion to punish yourself will not just go away spontaneously, as if by magic… they call that “magical thinking” and its illogical and irrational and it doesn’t make us well or healthy. There’s a reason that you and I do what we do to ourselves… it has to do with shame and it lingers until we choose to deliberately get rid of it. And I don’t know of any other way except through relationships with other supportive people like therapists and groups. I hope that helps you and encourages your to step out, reach out and to recognize that you really do not deserve the treatment that you’re giving yourself and in order to stop, you need to choose to do things differently. You need to have the courage to find a group in which you can share your burdens and be yourself without fear. Blessings, donna.
Thanks for the response. – Although I don’t post a lot, I read the all the posts as it is comforting to know I am not alone.
I am in the beginning stages of trying to reach out for that support. Sometimes it take a lot of courage and energy to do that, but, along with what you said, the negative thinking will not magically go away. The self punishment thought seems to get worse the more stressed out life seems to be. For instance, it is stressful at work (more than usual), I try to do something, make a mistake and I feel like I am a failure – even though the rational side of me knows it is just a mistake, no one probably even cared that I made the mistake, and life will go on.
I have thought about pursuing programs such as S.A.F.E., but there is some fear that I still carry about opening up to that. It is as if, I have to admit to myself that this is an issue that needs to be addressed – thus leading to the some of the “root causes” of why it has come about and addressing that as well. It takes so much to verabally express myself in that way. Also not too mention the time it takes to make a program like that or even a once a week trip to a therapist a priority in my life. (I know, it is only an excuse). Well, I am rambling now… Thanks for your thoughts!