I’m starting to realize in life that things sometimes just don’t turn out as they are ‘supposed’ to. Or how I think they are ‘supposed’ to.
That sometimes people don’t understand and sometimes people who I think will always be there..
one day.. just aren’t.I’m learning that though life is a long-ass roller coaster ride-that some days the ‘highs’ cancel out the ‘lows’. I’m realizing who is really going to be there-regardless of anything else-and I’m starting to be okay with that. I think it sucks that certain things have fallen the way that they have and yet I guess there was some unwritten reasoning for all that has happened. I’m learning about myself-and what I really want in life. Where I want to go, what I want to do. And yeah I have bad days, I have horrendous moments where I’m almost sure my impulses are going to get the best of me. But they haven’t, and I refuse to allow them to. because I’m stronger than that.

Because I deserve better than that.

Sometimes things work out just like they are supposed to and sometimes I have to fight like hell to get them to fall partially in place. Yet every minute is worth fighting to get what I need, to take care of myself, because ultimately in the end… I have to be able to hold my head high at the end of the day knowing that I at least tried to get things to work out.

closure.

something that I can give/find myself? something that no one else can give me. and being a vindicitive b__ch apparently isnt going to get me closure either. as much as I want to be able to scream at certain people who didnt protect me, who betrayed me…etc. apparently that isnt going to get me the closure I need.

and another word that is following me around

grieving losses.

how do I do that.. when something is a situation that is so unbelievably messed up. how do I essentially grieve and let go of something.. that so many other people are allowed to have? how do I grieve a loss of something that was mine-of something that was extremely earth shattering and essentially destroyed a piece of my life.? how do I grieve and allow myself to feel? cause I cant seem to figure it out. how do you allow yourself to not be jealous of what other people have… even when it was taken away from me.. for no good reason?

how do I grieve something that seems to make almost no sense?
something that I wish never happened….
yet its
something that I cannot avoid nor deny..
because its staring me right back in the face.

why is it so incredibly hard to let go of something that has torn me a part? why is it beyond conceiveable to feel that one day I’ll be able to sleep for eight straight hours? or let’s just try for four? how come anger never seems to be something that I feel, nor can I ever identify with feeling angry..I feel like if I ever was/get to be angry I will explode. not true I know but I cant help but feel that way.

and how do I grieve the loss of something? it seems so distant from me at times and in other moments Im like … am I grieving? and then I dont know. Im so used to burying how I feel that since I have been in Texas… Ive been trying to identify emotions on my wonderful ole’ feelings wheel. anger is one that is distant or I perceive it as distant due to fear maybe? Im trying to figure out the gray areas to my emotions. cause Id be lying to myself if I said I only felt the black and white ones.

so I learned this week in session that maybe it totally is feasible to talk for an entire sixty minutes without shutting down. I am the queen of shutting down. because it protects me. because it on some level I think became a habit, that I am slowly learning to let go of.

talking definitely forces me to feel and that is definitely one thing that I sometimes subconsciously avoid. talked a lot about grieving and how me letting go and grieving so to speak does not equate to them ‘winning’. Im not sure I have fully digested that yet but on some level I lose site of the fact that all of this healing and feeling and crap is all about ME and helping myself feel better and get to a point where none of this crap haunts me day in and day out. I continually lose sight of this being for ME. and it becomes intertwined with equating my healing with them ‘winning’.

Im beginning to realize that Im much more able to fight off my impulses than sometimes maybe I want to realize. why? again because that is letting go of.. maybe even grieving the loss of something.. that something being self injury. for some reason lately a lot of crap in my world is revolving around grieving and learning to let go.

It most certainly has to do with fear of the unknown, because essentially what comes after letting go and grieving? acceptance possibly? and I sort of feel like accepting all of the ‘crap’ would again be like waving that damn white flag and surrendering to them and they win.

I need to retrain my thinking to be more so on the level of acceptance being something that I do for ME, so that Im not carrying around all of this weight, all of the time. only if that didnt feel so immensely complicated at the moment.

in going away to SAFE that was the start of my learning to let go. my consciously saying that I am going to let go of self injury and Im going to learn to feel and identify my emotions and feelings and be able to let them ‘be’. In many ways this was the start of a huge process of letting go and grieving so many other things in my world. I never really realized until just after rereading my last blog post that going away in August was my choice, my decision. to better myself. to learn the basics of feeling, of identifying emotions, learning to sit with them, etc. and with all of that under my belt so to speak its leading to other potentially life alterating grieving processes that will essentially make my world feel a little bit lighter.

I dont think I would be where I am. on the edge of letting go of several painful things,or attempting to figure out how or what grieving is/means to me.
if it werent for the beginnings,
the little building blocks that I obtained while I was at SAFE.
Im not so sure that I would be where I am right now.

Funny cause I sort of feel accomplished in this moment.