I can’t go through this again. I can’t. I’m 19 never had a boyfriend. I’ve only been asked out by my brother’s 21 year-old friend when I was 11. Come to find out he’s in jail for child molestation. I want to be loved I want to be accepted. I know Jesus accepts me, never leaves me, loves me. But I want more. I want to be loved by people here. I’ve tried to hide my pain, I’ve tried to act like I don’t care. But truth is I do. I was told that they guys at work talk about me all the time. The say some weird things, the gist of it is… they talk about my outward appearance in a way that I don’t like (I hate attention!)  they said I’m too weird that they’d never date me. And it’s true. I’M TOO WEIRD and too socially inept and stupid and loud and sarcastic and annoying and immature and no one would ever want to go out with me.

when I was on break he said I don’t know if you’ll ever find a guy that’s willing to date you. He said he doesn’t know if there is really an Edward (from Twilight) out there for me. He said I may never be able to find a guy that would put up with my goofiness would be willing to date someone as messed up as me and someone who’s willing to give up peanuts and willing to go through like medical training just to take me out of the house.
I don’t think he meant to be mean. But he’s right. I’m like damaged goods no one in their right mind would want me!

I have severe Asthma, Epilepsy (seizure disorder), Deathly allergic to peanuts (to the point of I can’t even breathe the air if there are peanuts near by), Scoliosis that soon will have to get surgery for, & Hypoglycemia. Not to mention that I’m clumsy. I fall or run into things.

 I hurt myself all the time. I SI because it’s constant pain, and I don’t tell anyone about it so I won’t be taken to the doctor. Inevitable my parents find out.  It became an addiction, for once I was causing the pain I was in control. My parents don’t know about my current way to SI, they knew when I was younger that I was doing it. I went through so much therapy and I was put on depression drugs but I had to stop because of my other medical  issues it was causing me liver failure.

I signed this document saying I won’t hurt myself I will tell someone if I want to. Blah blah blah. But that was years ago. I was good for a while but the past three years I’ve been subtlety doing it. But it’s gotten to the point where if I don’t get help soon something bad will happen.

I can’t go through this again. I don’t want a shrink. I don’t want medicine. I don’t want to be looked at the way my parents used to look at me, like I was some sort of psycho path that could snap at anytime. I don’t want people to know that I’m depressed that it’s bad. I don’t need anymore health problems. I don’t want this, but I have to get help. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I need help. They think I’m all better and I don’t want to fail them again… I do it enough already.

 I don’t want the attention, I don’t. I’m going out of the country on a mission trip in 3 & 1/2 weeks. And on my medical release form it states that I haven’t had these problems. The doctor gave me the ok to say that because she too thought I was done with this. If my parents know this is going on the trip WILL be canceled. I want to go so bad. I don’t know what to do!

 I don’t know where to go. I don’t know when to tell. I CAN’T miss my India trip. HELP! I need advice! I’m a Failure!