I’m starting to realize in life that things sometimes just don’t turn out as they are ‘supposed’ to.

Or how we feel they are ‘supposed’ to. That sometimes people don’t understand and sometimes people who you think will always be there..

one day.. aren’t.

I’m learning that though life is a long-ass roller coaster ride-that some days the ‘highs’ cancel out the ‘lows’. I’m realizing who is really going to be there-regardless of anything else-and I’m starting to be okay with that. I think it sucks that certain things have fallen the way that they have and yet I guess there was some unwritten reasoning for all that has happened. 

Im learning about myself-and what I really want in life. Where I want to go, what I want to do. And yeah I have crappy days, I have horrendous moments where Im almost sure my impulses are going to get the best of me. But they haven’t. and I refuse to allow them to. because I’m stronger than that. In a few days I will be THREE months SI free.

Because I deserve better than that.   Sometimes things work out just like they are supposed to and sometimes I have to fight like hell to get them to fall partially in place. Yet every minute is worth fighting to get what I need, to take care of myself, because ultimately in the end… I have to be able to hold my head high at the end of the day knowing that I at least tried to get things to work out. 

Id lost my motivation more recently Im still not fully sure why. Or how. But I do realize that I am the one in control of my healing. That I have to push myself, to get past things that forever stare me back in the face. That closure is something that I BRING MYSELF. Closure isn’t something that I have to GET from those who have hurt me. No one can GIVE ME closure. I have to allow myself to have closure. And as much as closure sucks-because its essentially ‘the end’ of things, it feels so much better to know that I have allowed myself to heal.. that I have partially allowed myself to glue together the pieces that were left in the aftermath of the pain…

Ive started logging again because it helps my scattered thoughts become sentences. because I was struggling so much-I wasnt talking in therapy…not writing at all.. not logging.. essentially setting myself up to explode. logging helps my random thoughts make some sort of illogical sense. It helps me realize how the choice to SI would essentially just be worse then sitting with my feelings. god, how I hate to just sit with myself. im slowly learning that its not that horrible-that the alternative or what I used to fall back on.. (SI’ing) would just be 300 times worse then sitting and feeling.