When I first got to SAFE and throughout being there and in returning home I had such motivation. I worked as hard as I could knowing that my days were numbered at SAFE and in being home for a little over two months now.. well in the first few weeks I had that motivation.. the ‘high’ (so to speak) from having been at SAFE and being proud of all that I accomplished..and lately.. probably the past three weeks.. I have no motivation- I feel like I have somehow been stripped of my goals.. though I dont know why-I am regressing in therapy back into my silence..and as uncomfortable as my silence is..I cant seem to find my voice-which I most definitely found while I was at SAFE. I feel like my vocal cords are being torn and I dont have the motivation or strength to fight back. maybe that doesnt make much sense.
My impulses are all over the place which goes hand in hand with the fact that Im burying how I am truly feeling and not talking about it or writing or anything that would release these pent up emotions. I almost feel like Im consistently bashing my head against a wall and Im just numb to the pain-but the numb part isnt so true-because my silence eats at me. and yet its comfortable.
I need to find my voice- I need to set some goals for myself-to give myself some sense of purpose?(for lack of a better word)-
I want to get back the motivation I had two months ago- and Im not fully sure how to do that-