At times I’m very aware of how self-destructive I was, am, and can be. Other times it just eludes me completely. I don’t know if it’s suppression or fear or both. I do know that I am stuck in this vicious cycle of SI and stress… and the consequences of it. I used to be good at hiding the scars, until I started grad school and working. Now people can notice why I wear long sleeved tops or don’t take off my jacket when it’s obviously warm. Maybe it’s just the difference in age group of my environment.. they aren’t as self-involved as high school and college students are.
I used to have a psychologist. Before my health insurance stopped covering it. At the moment, I have no one to talk to and nothing to do except write on this blog here and hope no one I know will figure out it’s me. I can’t deal with all the crap from my family and the sh*tload of work I have for my classes. At the end of the day I’m so tired I just want to sleep, yet sleep doesn’t come easy or soundly. I wake up so many times in the middle of the night that I can barely function throughout the week. That then leads to more stress and more eating.. then dieting.. then hating.. ugh. My only source of release is SI.. even though I know the more I do it, the more damage I inflict on myself. I really hate myself and I don’t know how to stop it.