I just want to cry right now but feel like I can’t so instead I feel myself getting numb b/c I’m not sure what I am feeling. I guess I’m feeling frustrated, angry and betrayed and with the things happening recently it is getting overwhelming and I am afraid I am going to relapse.
I just got notification on Monday that I am being laid off from my job. I’ve worked there for 8 years and it has been like a family for me. I am convinced that my manager didn’t go to bat for me with this round of lay-offs b/c I was on short-term disability twice within the last year for mental health reasons. He probably thinks I am a liability to the company and should no longer work there. But then I am mind reading, I know, but it is a big coincidence that my position is going away when really with this integration of this new company, my skill set is needed!
I talked to a friend I met from SAFE in TX and even though I can have a positive outlook on all of this and have started a job search, it still is a major change and she’s right. So now I have unemployment looming over my head, which came at a time where I’ve already been dealing with stronger impulses to SI and suicidal thoughts. I told my psych Dr. yesterday about the suicidal thoughts and she is concerned about where this is coming from. She was really digging yesterday to see just how safe I am going to be.
The other part of this pressure cooker is what I perceive to have been a ‘bad’ session with my therapist last night. That is bothering me most right now. So we decided we would process the assignments I did while in TX. Yesterday it was my autobiography, assign #1. Well visiting those memories when my anxiety was already high didn’t help. It was really hard for me to talk about some of the traumas I wrote about and she didn’t really help me process. Instead she just kept asking questions about the events without going into the processing like we did in groups in TX. I was obviously getting agitated as I started cursing more and wouldn’t make eye contact but she continued. Finally she went to the cover sheet and decided to ask what my anxiety level was like now that we talked about it and I said it was a 14! I told her I felt sick to my stomach talking about these things and then I had to explain just what a 14 meant. Instead of talking about that or ways to calm me down she ended the session 10 min. early!!! What the heck! Am I that unpleasant to work with when my anxiety and distress level is so high? Did she just not know what to do that she had to cut it off? Oh, she did ask if I needed a safety plan but I was so mad at that point that I said no. Meanwhile all I am thinking about are my stronger impulses to SI. I felt betrayed, I guess, that she dismissed me in such a manner. I went to my car and cried out of frustration. Now what am I supposed to do? I stopped at a store on my way home and bought some implements. I know I shouldn’t have bought that knowing my impuluses are stronger b/c it does help not to have that in the house, but I did it anyway. It gave me a sense of control, even though it’s a false sense.
I have not SI’ed as of yet and I hope it stays that way but I’m afraid b/c I feel so much under pressure that I just might give up. But I am driving to Nebraska this weekend to visit a friend and I’m sure that will help a lot. Until then I will do whatever it takes to keep SAFE! What is the expression? Hour by hour, day by day, a conscious choice.