I just want things in my life to just ‘be’. never thought I would really say that.. but its true. every time things in my life ‘just are’.. something goes crashing down. Since I have been home from SAFE my job-the one place I thought I had support and a job no matter what… well lets just say that was all a facade. since the day i got back to work about a month ago.. they have been trying to change my shift hours and my position.. and Ive gotten sick of it and talked to the dept. of labor who said they cannot change my shift bc of me being out on fmla…they can change my positon but have to give me an equivilent..so job security which I thought I had.. really wasnt and that hurts, because other then the people that I work with I dont really have ‘family’.. its just unsettling to me to realize that my job is being so ridiculous…but whatever Im so sick of FIGHTING to get what I DESERVE. and I really shouldnt be. I fought hard to get to SAFE.. and it changed my life..and Ive been fighting to keep my shift but I feel like I can only fight for so long. *sigh*
I had a completely pointless session today with my therapist. Its been like that lately. or since Ive been home-I get overtaken by silence and shame and then my therapist talks for the remainder of session. of course I know what I want to say in my head, but the words are just so damn distant. Im holding everything in again-like I used to before SAFE. I havent been writing of logging at all.. and I know that is why I feel like Im ready to explode… I know I need to take care of myself but Im getting so frustrated in the constant struggle to continue moving forward as opposed to being stagnant or moving backwards. I stopped writing partially because the more that I write the clearer things become and I dont want to frickin remember anything else…of course I know that Im going to remember regardless of writing..but it all seems to intensify as a result of writing. which makes sense. god I miss SAFE soo very much. I miss the support and the room full of motivation that you could feel the moment you stepped a foot in the door-
I need to find that motivation somewhere because I feel myself slipping and I need to somehow not crash face first into the ground below.