I wonder what I’m hiding and protecting others from when I don’t talk about how I’m doing and how I’m coping – I don’t think I’m really helping my situation or helping theirs because no one is exchanging honestly in the relationship.
I don’t like hiding my struggles with self-injury anymore. I have never done it for attention and I never will, but I don’t like always having to hide how I’m truly feeling and how I’m truly coping with my life. I know self-injury isn’t the best way to cope, yet lying to other people and telling them I’m fine when I’m really not… well, that isn’t helping my situation any either — especially when I then can’t explain myself or catch myself in lie.
I’m not okay and I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. There should be nothing wrong with expressing I’m having a bad day or how I’m feeling down or excited or frustrated. I believe one of the reasons I cope so unhealthfully is because I have somehow learned that it is not okay to feel certain things, so I attempt to mask how I am feeling and end up turning to self-injury as a way to privately cope with the inner hell.
In the last couple of weeks, two people I thought “didn’t know about it”… told me they did… and both have apparently known for sometime, yet I didn’t know that they knew — so I have been tip-toeing around and putting on some fake show that I’m okay and just fine and don’t need help or encouragement or even love. Neither one of them treated me differently the whole time they knew, at least I couldn’t tell a difference. When I found out they “knew”, the relief was amazing! I didn’t have to pretend anymore.
I’m tired of lying about who I am and what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I’m not proud that I self-injure, but I have nothing to be ashamed of either. It is just how I cope and I’m actively trying to find other ways to cope. I mess up and slip-up and find other ways sometimes because it is part of the journey I am right now. I am tired of hiding the truth of me.