I have been home for about a month and a half. I miss Texas so much. I have been doing everything I can to go forward and do the right things. I wrote my therapist a letter with the stuff I just could not say to her. She read it and we talked about it. I have stayed in touch with some of the girls I was there with and that is AWESOME! I even sat down with my mom to try to talk to her about my SI and that I am still having difficulties with it and would like her help. We have never had a serious talk about my SI and I felt it was necessary. I didn’t even get out two sentences when she laughed at me and asked “didn’t they teach you down there that you have no power?” I wanted to tell her that they taught me the opposite, that I do have power and not to let anyone take it away. Instead, I ran out of her house crying. That was 2 weeks ago. My sister doesn’t talk to me and hasn’t really since I told her of my rapes and sexual assaults. I told her while I was in Texas. My dad doesn’t think I should ever have another bad day and if I do, he says SAFE wasn’t worth it. He helped financially for me to go there, so he likes to remind me that “it was expensive so it better have worked”. I relapsed again so I know I need to work harder. I’m in school and that is my only distraction. My mind seems to make everything else that is positive into everything negative. I am so scared and I keep telling my therapist, doctor, and caseworker. But ultimately it is my responsibility. Both SI and suicidal thoughts are there almost all the time. I am holding on, but I fell like I am losing my grip.
Glad to hear writing is helping you communicate. Writing can be an amazing tool in not only therapy, but in life in general. Keep on focusing on what you learned while at SAFE – go back to the tools and practice them as much as you can. The journey in recovery isn’t perfect.
“The journey in recovery isn’t perfect” – ain’t that the truth! That gives me comfort knowing I’ve made “mistakes” since I’ve been home too but I can give myself a break and don’t have to be perfect. It’s the journey, not a destination; and good thing since I don’t really have a clue what or where that destination would be.
And another quote from Cassandra I heard her say in group, “You fight for what you need even if you don’t know you’re going to get there.”
“Always keep in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing.” Abraham Lincoln
Love ya,
Kelly
Hey Erin it’s me Denise I know what your talking about when you say you could turn a positive in a negative ( I think I’m the Queen) I was in the S.A.F.E. program with you part of the way. I also feel myself trying to hold on and I know how hard it could be because both suicidal thoughts & SI usually go hand in hand with me. I’ve made mistakes since I’ve been home too and I’m afraid to really tell my therapist and psychiatrist my deepest thought, but I find it hard. Cassandra is right when she says that The journey in recovery isn’t perfect I thought it would be. Listen Erin if you ever want to e-mail and talk about it here is my e-mail address: denny666@verizon.net I would love hearing from you in the mean time don’t judge yourself to harshly. Love & Miss You
Erin!!
keep your chin up girl- you CAN get through this..
i love how Kelly commented and said “It’s the journey, not a destination; and good thing since I don’t really have a clue what or where that destination would be.” cause holy crap is that true- it definitely IS the journey.. just get through each minute… each second as it comes if you have to.. focus on a smaller amount of time.. you can do this.. !!!
*hugs*
Cassie
Keep up the great work!
I am sorry that you do not have family support, I know how that is, I do not have ANY family support or any real family relationships. Those that I do have contact with do not know anything about my SI and I plan to keep it that way, I just know they would all be negative and well I would rather not go through that. So, I can relate to how you are feeling. I also went through rapes and abuses so I get you there as well. It is hard to deal with those issues as well as SI it can all be overwhelming but I think you are doing great, you are reaching out, posting on the board, talking with your therapist, even journaling, those are all great. I journal all the time and find it so helpful, because I can tell my journal anything and everything because it will never judge me, make me feel shameful or guilty, it will never turn me away, never tell me I am over reacting, being to emotional, making problems where there isn’t any, it will never tell me to just deal with it or even worse, “get over it”. My journal has become my best friend.
And if you slip up don’t believe your father is right, that just because it cost so much that one slip means it wasn’t worth it, heck 2 or even 20 slips doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth it. Money compared to your health is no comparison, no amount of money can be more than the worth of your health!
I hope your family relationship improve, but if they don’t, don’t blame yourself and don’t let them pull you down. As much as it may hurt you, not having the relationship might actually be healthier for you in this season of your life.