So this feels kind of awkward to post on the blog… but I have to say, ever since being back from Texas the things people say in this blog seem the most familiar to me and help me remember that I am not alone. They help me remember that those 30 days in TX were not imagined… they really did happen, even though it seems so far removed from my “real life.”
I got home a little over 2 weeks ago, and it has been a really really hard 2 weeks. They tell you that, but I didn’t realize I would feel like I fell off a cliff. I haven’t SI but I was really close today… I just didn’t have the available opportunity (in hindsight that’s probably a good thing). But I was pretty upset about it at the time. I just feel like I have nothing left inside of me, nothing in my head makes sense, I can’t find a second job, I just think about dying all the time. I tried to find a free counselor and yesterday I met with one to do the intake or whatever… and she kept telling me “oh wow, you did that? That happened to you?” or “well, you are one of those people called…(the not good version of SIer)” and in my head I knew she obviously didn’t know about SI and what not to say. Was she trying to make me feel horrible and like my identity was wrapped up in this action? I left feeling like crap. A little over a week ago I had a plan and it was in action to quit life… and it didn’t work out because of the location I wanted to go (I needed permission, and didnt get it until my dad checked his email 8 hours later). I was so angry, he always checks his email every 30 min… I just needed him to say I could go to his cabin. So I just sat on the floor for a really long time waiting for him to email. I just sat there with everything I was going to use and making sure how to do it. Finally, I heard my roommate get home and I knew my plans for that night were over and I had to wait. It has been so many years since I have been in this place in life. I was ready to die that day. I was so angry my plan wasn’t working. I knew it needed to happen fast or I would possibly have someone or something change my mind. Other days have been a little less intense, but I feel like I’m always sitting on the fence deciding which way to fall. I need a way out, I can’t do this. I know SI will help me live and be ok… but I know in the longer run I will feel worse about myself and maybe not care even more. Man, things just need to get better, like now. I don’t know if anyone else felt like this after they got home. I need there to be hope of a way out, because I only see one right now. I feel like I’m screaming and fighting to live on one more day, each day, because people tell me there is another way out and for things to get better inside of me. But I’m getting really really tired. I can’t do this. I do negative thinking logs and impulse logs… but I feel like they just buy me time to make it through that night. I just need there to be hope. Really really bad.
I hope that’s not super … hard to read… I figure if anyone will understand, it will be people here. And I feel like if I am going to be honest, I might as well be honest. Thanks for listening.
Hi Lisa, it’s Kelly. I KNOW what you are talking about and I can totally relate. I too have been thinking about dying recently and making plans but none I don’t think I’m going to follow through on. Coming home is hard b/c you have all that support and you work on all those personal issues and open up in ways you never would if it weren’t in TX, and then you come home and there’s nothing or it feels like nothing. I also relate to what you are saying about the logs. I am still logging, more the impulse log than the negative thinking log and I feel it is rote work at this point where I saying the same thing over and over. But at least it does buy you that moment of time before giving in to the impulse so your thoughts do have a chance to have a say about it all.
I SI’ed once since I’ve been home and I discovered it did not work or do the same thing it did prior to SAFE. I felt guilty the next couple of days but now it seems like that was so long ago and as I said, it did not serve its purpose. Assignment 13 was to say goodbye to SI and I did like saying goodbye to someone/something that wasn’t really ever a friend. Well that “friend” did come back for a visit and it was plain to see that this wasn’t my friend.
So I did some backsliding since I’ve been home from TX about a month ago. I remember sharing group with you. I just want you to know that I too am struggling and just can take it only one day at a time. Please don’t leave. You have to much worth for there not to be Lisa. I didn’t get a chance to know you better but that doesn’t mean I cannot encourage you now! Please contact me at kstockwoman@gmail.com. I’d love to give you my phone # so we can talk. I am currently talking with another SAFE grad on at least a weekly basis and it helps me and her so much b/c we’ve been to TX, we did the program, we know what happened there and we know how we both struggle with being back home. You are so not alone and I really hope you contact me.
Be SAFE, Kelly
Lisa. I hope this is you. I know how you feel. Things are really bad for me here right now but I keep telling myself that I did feel safe once and It is possible. Now I have these people who know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ll get through this. I always here. And your jumble talk always makes sense to me.