So this feels kind of awkward to post on the blog… but I have to say, ever since being back from Texas the things people say in this blog seem the most familiar to me and help me remember that I am not alone. They help me remember that those 30 days in TX were not imagined… they really did happen, even though it seems so far removed from my “real life.”
I got home a little over 2 weeks ago, and it has been a really really hard 2 weeks. They tell you that, but I didn’t realize I would feel like I fell off a cliff. I haven’t SI but I was really close today… I just didn’t have the available opportunity (in hindsight that’s probably a good thing). But I was pretty upset about it at the time. I just feel like I have nothing left inside of me, nothing in my head makes sense, I can’t find a second job, I just think about dying all the time. I tried to find a free counselor and yesterday I met with one to do the intake or whatever… and she kept telling me “oh wow, you did that? That happened to you?” or “well, you are one of those people called…(the not good version of SIer)” and in my head I knew she obviously didn’t know about SI and what not to say. Was she trying to make me feel horrible and like my identity was wrapped up in this action? I left feeling like crap. A little over a week ago I had a plan and it was in action to quit life… and it didn’t work out because of the location I wanted to go (I needed permission, and didnt get it until my dad checked his email 8 hours later). I was so angry, he always checks his email every 30 min… I just needed him to say I could go to his cabin. So I just sat on the floor for a really long time waiting for him to email. I just sat there with everything I was going to use and making sure how to do it. Finally, I heard my roommate get home and I knew my plans for that night were over and I had to wait. It has been so many years since I have been in this place in life. I was ready to die that day. I was so angry my plan wasn’t working. I knew it needed to happen fast or I would possibly have someone or something change my mind. Other days have been a little less intense, but I feel like I’m always sitting on the fence deciding which way to fall. I need a way out, I can’t do this. I know SI will help me live and be ok… but I know in the longer run I will feel worse about myself and maybe not care even more. Man, things just need to get better, like now. I don’t know if anyone else felt like this after they got home. I need there to be hope of a way out, because I only see one right now. I feel like I’m screaming and fighting to live on one more day, each day, because people tell me there is another way out and for things to get better inside of me. But I’m getting really really tired. I can’t do this. I do negative thinking logs and impulse logs… but I feel like they just buy me time to make it through that night. I just need there to be hope. Really really bad.
I hope that’s not super … hard to read… I figure if anyone will understand, it will be people here. And I feel like if I am going to be honest, I might as well be honest. Thanks for listening.