Today marks three months that I haven’t SI. I’m feeling stressed out (I’m trying to get a new place to live), feeling like I’m scattered in a million direction and can’t get it together and on top of that since I’m basically not feeling a thing I want to SI. That was the way I was able to feel something so I feel alive because right now I’m feeling dead. I can’t believe the urge to SI on a day that I’m suppose to be happy about it just doesn’t make sense. I called my therapist up and she told me to take one of my klopin to relax and get pass the feelings. I’ve been on the go for the past week and every time I stay still I still feel as if I’m in motion. I know you can never go back, but it’s times like this I miss the S.A.F.E. program and all it’s therapist and mental Health Worker just to talk through this without acting out like I want to. I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight because I know it’s a choice that only I can make and my therapist told me it’s not an option. How can I get through this without acting because I feel it’s the only way.
Denise, I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. BUT I am very proud of you for going through the program and for beeing injury free for three months! That is a great start! It is hard at times and the urges can be overwelming, I have been injury free for over a few years now but from time to time, I do feel those urges and they are very strong, I am not going to lie, the urges are hard. BUT you HAVEN’T given into them and that is great, that is a huge step! Do you still use your impulse logs? Do you journal? These are actually very helpful at any and every stage. Do you have reinds that you can talk to or call when you get the urge? Having someone that you can talk to when the urges are going on who will not make you feel guilty or shameful but will let you talk even if they can’t understand, is very helpful.
Yes, it is your choice and I pray that you are able to continue onto the three months you have already made it to, BUT if you do slip, it is ok, you are not a failure and you can start again, don’t forget that!
I injured to replace feelings and hurt, I didn’t do it because I wasn’t able to feel, so I can not relate to that part, but I can relate to the urges and the process of dealing. If you ever need to talk and do not have anyone to talk to, you can always email me at any time. I check my mail several times a day. If nothing else, I can be a sounding board, who will listen without judging, even if I can not stop the urges.
Stay strong! Stay safe!!
Sabrina