I don’t know what to say. I feel there is nowhere else to turn. Writing and S.I seem my only options. It’s unfortunate that they aren’t doing the trick any more. I don’t know who I can talk to, none of my friends would understand. (Not that they wouldn’t be more than glad to help though. Because they would.) I just don’t know what else I have. I can’t talk to anybody because I just feel nobody cares enough. I feel like they are my problems and I have to deal with them by myself. Like accepting help is admitting failure. I have only recently moved out on my own (for the most part, I still live with mummy dearest) and I feel like college, work, love, and everything else is too difficult to deal with. Like I’m not ready for the “real world” yet. But I want all of it. I want to feel loved and I want to work. I am at work right now, in fact, and I still feel like I’m a stranger to everybody, even the people that I know. I’ve never felt like I belong, and I don’t think I ever will. I want to go to a hospital for help, but am afraid they won’t ever let me out even though it would be self-admittance. I don’t feel right when I talk about my problems, and I don’t feel anybody else needs to have my problems on their shoulders. I want to talk. I want to live. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
I only recently got over my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years and we’ve been broken up for more than a year now. I want to think I’m ready for a new relationship, but I don’t know if I am. I love the feeling of love, and I don’t know what to do without it. Everybody that I’ve “fallen” for has destroyed me beyond repair. I want to think that I no longer feel pain, but I do. I feel it more than ever and I hate this. I hate everything.
I’ve already tried all of the pills to make me “not depressed,” and none of them have worked. In fact, it’s been the exact opposite: they’ve made things worse. So I no longer take them, and feel better off.