I don’t know what to say.  I feel there is nowhere else to turn.  Writing and S.I seem my only options.  It’s unfortunate that they aren’t doing the trick any more.  I don’t know who I can talk to, none of my friends would understand.  (Not that they wouldn’t be more than glad to help though.  Because they would.)  I just don’t know what else I have.  I can’t talk to anybody because I just feel nobody cares enough.  I feel like they are my problems and I have to deal with them by myself.  Like accepting help is admitting failure.  I have only recently moved out on my own (for the most part, I still live with mummy dearest) and I feel like college, work, love, and everything else is too difficult to deal with.  Like I’m not ready for the “real world” yet.  But I want all of it.  I want to feel loved and I want to work.  I am at work right now, in fact, and I still feel like I’m a stranger to everybody, even the people that I know.  I’ve never felt like I belong, and I don’t think I ever will.  I want to go to a hospital for help, but am afraid they won’t ever let me out even though it would be self-admittance.  I don’t feel right when I talk about my problems, and I don’t feel anybody else needs to have my problems on their shoulders.  I want to talk.  I want to live.  I just don’t know how.  I don’t know what to do or how to do it.

I only recently got over my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years and we’ve been broken up for more than a year now.  I want to think I’m ready for a new relationship, but I don’t know if I am.  I love the feeling of love, and I don’t know what to do without it.  Everybody that I’ve “fallen” for has destroyed me beyond repair.  I want to think that I no longer feel pain, but I do.  I feel it more than ever and I hate this.  I hate everything.  

I’ve already tried all of the pills to make me “not depressed,” and none of them have worked.  In fact, it’s been the exact opposite: they’ve made things worse.  So I no longer take them, and feel better off.