Today I’m feeling numb and whenever I’m feeling numb I usually SI.  I have this deep, deep urge to SI just so I could get relief from this feeling.  I know it doesn’t make any sense since I’ve graduated the program and soon will be three months SI free.  No matter what I think of I always come back to wanting to SI I just remember how it felt and that I was thinking about something other than the numbness.  I feel in a way I’m repeating things that I’ve said before.  I can’t explain why I feel the need to or why I haven’t been able to think about anything else but SI’ing.  I try thinking about the alternatives that I have written down, but to me I feel like it was all a joke writing down what I would do in a situation like this.  I know going back would mean that I failed, but to me I’ve failed everything else so why should this surprise me.  Should I or shouldn’t I that is the question I must answer and right now all I want to do is do it and get it over with.  This is a different kind of numbness it’s an empty sort of feeling.I have tried to write out my feeling to my therapist and psychiatrist, but I haven’t been able to put two words together to create a thought that might make sense.  I have no idea what the turn out will be for tonight I try not thinking that far in advance because I always miss the runway sort of speaking.  It’s been a rough week for me and the week is still not over.  I’m just feeling numb.