I couldn’t agree more with two of the previous posts about how hard it has been to transition back home from SAFE Intensive. It’s a battle-every day I feel like some new challenge has been thrown my way, which I suppose is how life is supposed to be. I’ve had some extremely trying moments but thankfully utilizing my list of alternatives has worked for me. I try to remind myself of all of the verbalization that I did while at SAFE and though I remember all of the tears and the pain associated with me actually hearing myself talk… I also remember the tremendous amount of support and acceptance and how I wasnt branded the outcast and how my other peers could relate to my situation in some way to not make me feel so isolated. Along with remembering how a little ‘weight’ was lifted in ‘speaking the pain.’ That has helped me get through some rough spots. Im learning that I need to ASK for help when I need it. That people arent magically going to know that I NEED to talk unless I say so. That though the ‘third’ part of treatment sucks, its possible to ‘get through’. Because remember guys we “GET TO!”.
I agree that I am finding it hard to log at home, I feel like its all repetitive… but even if it is, that is OKAY. I remember being at SAFE last month and it being okay to write the same impulse log three or four times-so why in my brain is it not okay now? and thats just it. it is OK to write the same thing ten times-even IF it SEEMS repetitive, because each time I am getting a little bit more of it out of me. and onto paper.
Funny too, how I feel like I went through a triathalon at SAFE and now Im kind of merely taking a baby step forward as the days pass.. I feel like at SAFE someone hit the ‘fast forward’ button and now Im back in regular motion and I dont know what to do with that. I suppose it felt like that because I knew that my days at SAFE were numbered. Im not really sure how to take steps forward now.. I feel like Im stumbling over my own two feet constantly. I need to figure out where I want to go now in ‘therapy’ (if only that were a simple question) *sigh*
“second by second
hour by hour
day by day
conscious choice.”
I just keep trying to remind myself that even if I have to take each second of each day as it comes-that I can continue to heal. even when it feels impossible.
“second by second
hour by hour
day by day
conscious choice.”
Thanks so much for the support! I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one strugglin with the day to day and you are right – I Get To . . . struggle each day and end each day successfully, the way it is supposed to be. Yeah it sucks to experience the anxiety and the agitation and the frustration but I CAN sit through these feelings and not explode into a million pieces.
The friends I made at SAFE totally “Rock my Face Off!” oh and rock my socks off too! Knowing that each one of us is making it through this third leg of this triatholon means a lot to me.
I want to encourage you too and all other alumni. We can do this! And we can log, log, log. Although it does seem repetitive, I think you make a good point that it is getting out in small pieces the stress that builds up from having the impulses. No one promised us we’d be impulse free – as if. But we have learned what to do to deal with those impulses and one of those things is to tell people we need to talk to them. So those of you who have my phone # – please call me! I’m here to listen!
Thanks for writing
Thanks for your blog
Thanks For:
“second by second”
hour by hour
day by day
conscious choice Everday that I was in the room I would look up and stare at that and sort of try to get grounded. You have made realize all that I have gone through not only in the program, but when I was coming home to me it felt like my support system was gone once I was gone found out I was wrong. I know I feel the same way you do and has been hard for me because when I feel nothing is going right I want to SI.
Kelly-
I was thinking and it makes me feel not so ‘strange’ so to speak that this ‘third’ leg of the program.. being back home.. has been a big adjustment period. We all have to implement so much CHANGE into our daily routines in order to essentially get through those bad moments or try to get through them.. (or atleast that is how I feel) and lets face it girl, change SUCKS. and change is hard, but we started this ‘changing’ at SAFE and boy through all of those tears that I cried on a daily basis.. it was worth it. so all of this that we are battling through right now will be worth it. we will get past this rough patch. 🙂
*hugs*
Denise-
I understand feeling like your support system is gone-but its not– its just different now because we’re all spread out so to speak in being back home. keep your chin up, you will get through the rough patches.
*hugs*
Cassie
Cassie!
Good for you for sticking with your logging. I haven’t been using them as much as I need to, although I haven’t had many impulses either. I could always use my negative thinking logs though.
I almost feel…. disgusted being back home. SAFE was so comforting. Now I’m using Meetup.com and setting up meetups for self-injury support. I intend to show others how to be SAFE. I look forward to that.
Hope all is well,
Allison
*waves* Allison!
I totally agree with you that SAFE was comforting and being back home is sort of strange so to speak. that sounds like an awesome idea-Ive been thinking of putting a group together myself-:) just havent really gotten the idea going as of yet-I wish that we all lived closer!! that would rock. hope all is going well by you!
keep in touch
hugs
Cassie