Ok…I know I need help. But I don’t want it completely. I know what I do is extremely bad but it’s the only way I know how to deal with things. I like what I do, I feel that it helps me. I told two of my friends and when I told them they thought I was done, but I’ve done it 7 times since I told them which was about 4 days ago. It’s never been this bad but I think it’s just from the stress of telling them. They say I need to stop and I know that. I just don’t want to. Want is controlling me right now, want is saying that I need it. Tonight I was tempted to do it again but I didn’t. For once in my life I controlled it. But I can still feel the desire to in me. I could get up right now and do it and when I think that way it makes me want to. I know that I’m not going to be able to always control it, I’m guessing that I might do it again this week. I don’t know how to get myself to stop, my friends have told me it’s hurting them and it’s going to hurt other people when they find out. They said that I’m not going to be able to hide this forever and it’s going to kill whoever finds out on their own. I know what to do, but I don’t want to.
Look. I used to do that a lot. A lot. The tough part about it is that, sure, one more time won’t be bad, but they really add up. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. Whenever you feel like it, force yourself not to. Stand strong, and when the urge passes you’ll feel one hundred times better and stronger, because you faced the urge and defeated it.
I was tempted last night but I didn’t. All day today though I felt like crap and had the urge to. I’m still extremely tempted. Will this feeling go away?
I agree with George because now that I haven’t S.I. for almost two months, it’s becoming less and less of an option. When you are still knee-deep in it, it’s hard to see that there can be another way. All you can see is what you are giving up instead of what you’ll be gaining. And it is really hard at first as you try and learn healthy ways of coping. It gets easier. I’m way happier now. Not happy, but happier. I think SI made me sadder. It allowed me to wallow in my depression. It also made me feel weak and unstable. I hated feeling like that.
Also, if you think you want to seek professional help, it should be because you want to. I understand you’re friends are concerned and that it does hurt when a loved one is SI-ing, but putting guilt on you in a time when you aren’t feeling your strongest is not helpful. My email is kelliewellie17@hotmail.com if you need it:)