Right now I’m aching to hurt myself and just get it out of my system. I’ve been feeling kind of lost without SI and I always want and try to pick a fight with my therapist and psychiatrist and I keep telling them why don’t you hurt me (I know they can’t touch me) you know you want to. I can’t stand not hurting myself or having someone else do it as stupid as this sounds I miss it. It’s like having a missing piece of a puzzle and trying to figure out where it belongs it’s just not right. What do I do? The weekend is here and this is the hardest times for me because I feel like the days drag and it’s like I get this itch because I still can’t get used to the fact that there are different way. I told both my therapist and psychiatrist that I want to feel other than lost and that is where is all begins for me and that is the way I’m starting to feel today it’s like I just want to go back to old standby because I am lost and hurting. This is crazy right I graduated the program and I’m still feeling lost without SIing. Does this also mean I’m a failure.
I don’t think it means you’re a failure. i think it just means that you’ve been struggling with this for so long that its going to take a while for you to fill the void that SI was to you. Keep fighting! you are in my thoughts and prayers 🙂
sorry it took me a while to reply to your email.
Babe, you are DEFINITELY NOT a failure. And I don’t think it sounds stupid that you still want to injure yourself.
How long have you been injuring yourself?
Going into treatment for a few months makes a difference, but it doesn’t completely stop it. You can go into treatment for 3 years, and it still won’t necessarily stop.
the only time it will stop is when YOU really want it to. It’s natural for you to crave injuring yourself. It is, afterall, somewhat of an addiction.
I understand what you’re saying really well, because, I’m sort of in the same position. However, i worked on stopping on my own. so it took me three years, and i recently managed to put it under control last summer.
But even though i thought it was finally gone….i was quite wrong. Temptations came back again and again as huge smacks to my face. it was INSANE.
I kept trying to tell myself that it’s only temporary, these thoughts are only temporary and they’ll go away soon.
But eventually, after reading an article on a self-injurer, i realized that this is something im going to have to struggle with for nearly the rest of my life. With time it’ll get easier to deal with, but it’ll still be there. It can start up again any minute. So what am i supposed to do?
Answer is simple, i continue moving on. Keep working on directing your attention to other things. Find new interest you can spend your free time on. Try your best, again and again to not injure yourself. There will be times where you will end up injuring yourself a bit, but thats ok. because you can’t expect it to suddenly stop. And your SI, you will notice, will become less and less and you will injure yourself after much longer durations of time. eventually, you’ll be able to stop injuring yourself. (note, i said EVENTUALLY. once you accept that its not gonna happen in two days, it’ll become easier…hopefully =_=;; )
The thoughts will still be there. The thoughts will always be there, but you can learn to release them or deal with them using different approaches.
For example in my case, I have a variety of things i’ll start doing when i feel the urge to SI. I sing, i write poetry, i will draw, or most of the time, i watch anime/japanese dramas/ japanese music videos….(yeah, im REALLY obessed with japan >.<) this way, my mind gets completely absorbed in something else, and my urge to SI is long forgotten 😀
doesn’t work EVERYTIME, but it does most of the time…and thats better than nothing right? 🙂
i hope this helped.