so, i posted a couple days ago when i had a relapse after 7 months of not s.i. i thought that was just a minor slip up and i was done. but today i did it again. i really don’t know what to do. i don’t want to do this, but i can’t not. its an addiction. i really cannot stop. god.
what caused it was my mom. she pretty much always causes it. she’s constantly criticizing me. it gets exhausting. today, she got me some sushi from safeway that i could pack in my lunch tomorrow, but when i got home i was really hungry so i just ate it for a snack. and she got mad at me for eating for a snack! she’s so ridiculous. ugh she has problems. i hate her when she acts like this. she treats me like im a horrible person when i don’t even do anything to deserve it. i mean, she got mad at me for eating sushi as a snack. i really hate her sometimes. now, many of you will say, “you should talk to your mom”, but that simply is not an option. so don’t even suggest that.
i just really want to stop. but really, i know none of you can make me stop. you may write some encouraging words and tell me that its hurting me and i shouldn’t do it, but i already know all this. i just need to break the addiction. but i have no idea how i am going to do this. i THOUGHT i was cured. i hadn’t done it for 7 months. i was convinced i had stopped for good. i don’t even know how this happened. how did i slip up again? how?? i haven’t had the urge to s.i. in months. things have been bad with my mom this summer, but i never once slipped up. why now? ughh, it’s SO frustrating.
Hi,
I don’t know if this will be any help. After a few false starts, I have finally been able to stop; it has now been almost three years since the last time. One of the things that helped me was that every time the urge got too strong, I would go for a run. Right away, no preparation, without taking the time to change clothes. Sometimes I would be out at midnight in my pajamas, sometimes I had to leave school halfway through a lecture.
In my case, I usually injured myself as a way to deal with being overwhelmed, and as a way to prevent myself from hurting myself in worse ways, when I became too angry. What I liked about the running was that it didn’t require any thinking, it tired me out, it helped me empty my mind. I didn’t need to tell myself that things would get better, or to think positive thoughts when things were going horribly wrong. I could just get out and forget everything. Basically, it helped me stay safe, and ignore the problems.
In the long term, many problems either resolved themselves naturally, or I was able to address them once I felt able to. For instance, I have moved away from my family (which has helped!), but I was not in a position to do so two years ago. Other problems have not gone away, but I gradually lost the impulse to deal with them through S.I. Basically, running helped keep me safe until I was in a position to tackle the issues that had triggered my S.I. before.
I don’t know if this would be useful for you or not. You could try running, screaming, playing the drums, jumping on one spot, anything that lets you get your energy out. I agree that often, trying to keep a positive outlook won’t help or suffice. And frankly, when you feel as if you are going insane, repeating positive mantras can be hard, or infuriating. But please, hold on and stay safe. The longer you can hold off S.I., the easier it will get. I’m not saying that you should try to ignore your mother, which is probably impossible, but please don’t hurt yourself because of the situation. You will get to a point where you are able to get angry at your mom, and even if its still not an option to talk to her, not feel that you need to S.I. You will find other ways to express your frustration, realize that you find humor in some of her over-reactions, and that you are able to ignore them. I promise that this is an addiction that you can break, just hold on and stay safe!
I wish you the best of luck