Originally posted 8/06/2008 

So far this week has been the hardest I’ve ever encountered.  I’ll be going to S.A.F.E.Alterntives and I’m nervous.  My point is that I was watching Horror Movies (which tends to start my downward spiral into hell).  I injure myself because I was feeling so numb and like a loser.  I struggle with the thought of going into the program and in my heart of hearts I know it’s the right thing to do and my therapist & psychiatrist assures me that I’m on the right track, but I often wonder if they think I’m a loser because I’m going in the program.  Today my thoughts are basically still the same I can’t stop thinking of what’s ahead for me and normally my reaction would be not asking for the help I need and running the other way and never looking back.  I’m angry at myself for doing what I did last night, but I can’t do anything about it and the horror movie that runs through my head is all of the abuse in my life and actually seeing what has happen.  Tonight I hope that I don’t SI again because I’m still in that numb state.  My therapist suggested that I blog whenever I’m having doubts about things and that’s what I am doing tonight.  If anyone has any comment or words of hope my e-mail is: denny666@verizon.net