Hi! I have been struggling a lot with my SI and severe depression lately. I have an emergency plan in which I am supposed to call someone from my treatment team when I am having urges, but I don’t feel worthy enough to call anyone to ask for support. I am scared that I’ll drive my treatment team away and that I’ll be left completely alone.
I feel as if I dont deserve support. I feel as if I dont deserve to reach out.
My best friend has always been a big part of my support system, but her mom was recently diagnosed with ALS and my friend is going through a lot. I really wanted to talk to her today, but she had spent the entire day at the ALS clinic with her mom and was overwhelmed. I feel that I am a burden to her.
I dont want to reach out to my parents. We’re trying to get me into inpatient treatment for BPD and depression and self-harm, but I might not be able to go because of insurance and money reasons. I feel that by outright telling them that I want to SI or that I SI (I know they know, but I havent actually told them) that I am burdening them more. This situation is already painful for them, and if I cant go to inpatient I don’t want to make them feel worse.
I am hurting so much emotionally and I feel so alone because I am trapped within myself. I miss my freedom. I miss my confidence, and I miss my feelings of self-worth.