Today started okay but turned bad and took me back to where i was before! i’m so frustrated and don’t know what to do about any of it. i feel completely out of control.  i need to be able to fix things and know exactly how this is going to be worked out but i can’t and that is driving me crazy! It’s also making things worse. everything about life right now is so frustrating and just doesn’t seem worth it. But i want to SI right now but haven’t done it in 5 days and i really want to make it a week straight without doing anything, not even a little. i let myself fall back into it without fighting very hard over the last two weeks or so and that just made trying to stop completely so much harder. I just feel so overwhelmed and it doesn’t seem like its going to calm down any time soon. When i think things might start working out so i can focus on just fixing the main issue something else comes and it can’t just be something little, it has to be something big that really interrupts my life and messes me up. I just wish that for once everything would just go smoothly so i can concentrate on what i need to. But that doesn’t seem like thats going to be the case now or ever!