Hi? Is it at all normal to be completely freaked out about even posting on this thing? Because, I totally am. I’m not exactly sure why I’m freaked out, but I’m guessing it’s because there is a chance that the people who read this possibly know who I am. I attended the S.A.F.E. Alternatives School of Hard Knocks program in July (’08) and wouldn’t you know it, I was expelled. Yeah, so I feel like a total behind (censored). Anyways, I was given the boot, and a couple of days after I got home I self injured out of mere frustration with myself. I feel like I owe the staff each a kidney, because I could see how frustrated they were with me, and I feel so bad. To quote the band Bush, “If I had it all again, I’d change it all.” I know there is a slim chance that I could be accepted back into the program, but at the same time I’m so scared of myself. I wish I could think of something to say or do that would really manifest just how much I want to stop self injuring. I “perceive” that every person I made contact with while in Texas was under the impression that I didn’t want to stop. I do. God, I do. I can’t think of really anything else that is holding me back from going out and living and functioning like a normal 25 year old should. I can’t get a job anywhere, because I can’t put down my one and only job, because I self injured on the job and got fired. I mean, is there really a point in continuing with my education? I’ve been in college since about 1854, and I have way too many courses completed to go into some other field. At the same time, who in their right mind would hire someone who has been hospitalized in nearly every hospital in the area- all for psych. related issues. I don’t know a soul in Italy, but I would really like to move there- far far away where it’s not like an episode of Cheer’s, and everybody knows your name. CUSSWORD! I’m so friggin frustrated with myself.
Hi,
I know people who broke probation and were asked to leave who later returned to SAFE and completed the program. That said, there maybe a other treatment programs that you could look into that might be a better fit for you and your issues. People can recover using other treatment strategies- SAFE is a good one but it may not be the right fit for everyone. For me SAFE was a good fit, but I’m not everyone!
Good luck!
Nicole
Well you are not the first to be “kicked out” or will you be the last. I was kicked out w/ 3 days to go at the end of June. I have managed to still take what I learned from the program and remain SI free. I had been injuring for “many” years , it is possible to stop. There are days that are hard and feel I must be punished ( my main trigger) but the logs really do help. Hang in there and just remember what you did learn there.
You are on the only who knows for sure if you want to stop and others only know what we choose to share with them – so if your behaviors and words were expressing that you weren’t ready to stop self-injuring, then they were thinking “right”… You might not have been ready right then, but that doesn’t mean you will keep on doing this forever!
Having a history with self-injury doesn’t mean you can’t go on to function and become successful as an adult, even if you have been in and out mental hospitals and units all of your life. Self-injury is a choice, not a disease or an illness. There are ways to control it and ultimately YOU are the only one who can make those choices, even if it means being in therapy on and off for the rest of your life to help you maintain or even maybe going on medication (if you are pro-medication). There are ways to stop the behaviors and control the impulses, but ultimately it comes down to US deciding WE don’t want it anymore — once this decision has been made, no one can ever make us hurt ourselves again.
Yes, self-injury is frustrating. Dealing with the after effects of self-injury are the most haunting for me, as I’m 26 and trying to function and have a life independently. Self-injury has taken so much from me that I’m now struggling to get back. The road isn’t easy, but it is possible to push through it and live a life worth getting up to face in the morning… it just takes time.
If you ever want to talk, email me at purpleagent711@sbcglobal.net . I’m your age and struggling to stay free from self-injury, but I do understand the *trying to make it as an adult* concept. It is so hard when the scars are everywhere and or you have self-injuried on the job (I was never fired for it, but I’ll admit that I have done it). Work should be a place of refuge, not a place of dread, in terms of self-injury.
its ok it will get better keep trying don’t give up