I feel like I have been refraining from S.I. because of other’s expectations of me to not hurt myself anymore. I don’t feel like I am doing it for me, which is bothersome. I feel like I have lost my internal motivation to stop harming and this scares me. I have accepted that other people and other things are not what make me hurt myself or what make me stop hurting myself, however “outside influences” do make a difference when I allow them to.
– The summer is almost over and my obsession with getting into a bathing suit has almost completely fizzled out. I bought a suit and have only worn it once in the water, but it wasn’t even around people.
– I can wear long sleeves at both of my jobs, even the one that is extremely hot to work at. People don’t really comment and I just act normal. There is no motivation here.
My overall urges have come back 10fold. I can’t think of reasons to continue refraining, despite being in recovery for over a year… and despite having goals and reaching my goals of not S.I., or doing another type of behavior. The goals aren’t enough anymore and other people telling me I can keep on staying free from it, isn’t working either.
The only factor I can come up with is that my self-esteem and self-confidence have fallen so low lately that I’m not allowing myself to feel whole again. Without self-injury I feel whole and I feel healthier and I feel more complete. I just can’t find my boot straps anymore — they feel lost!!
So… I guess what I am asking here is how, where, and what do you do when you temporarily lose the inner motivation to stop hurting yourself or stop hurting yourself as much?