I want to rid away the old memories of what my life was like and watch them disappear, but simultaneously I want my scars as visual reminders not to make the same mistakes. Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it, or so say philosophers. I just want to get back to the way things were before I relied on pain as a physical fix for my problems, before I stopped being the sweet little girl and became the moody teenager.
These days anything can trigger me, whether it be harsh words from my stepmother or even watching a movie where everyone lives “happily ever after” and thinking why can’t that be me? I just want to run until I collapse or scream until my lungs give out. I feel so uncomfortable, squirmy inside my own skin that I want to run from myself, but I’m something I can’t escape from however hard I try.
It’s the worst at night when no one’s awake and I can’t talk to anyone to distract myself from this antsy, anxious feeling. It’s after 1 am, and I’m totally wired, my mind thinking hundreds of different thoughts and just longing to do something, anything to distract itself from thinking about the one thing I subconsciously want. If my parents find out how I’m feeling, I’ll be back to seeing my therapist Wayne with his ugly cheap dress-shirts and his I’m-so-hip teen slang. Ugh, not a particularly appealing idea. So I’m trying to get a grip, it’s just really hard sometimes.
I understand about the night-time being the hardest part of the day. Even though I have been SI free for a while I still stuggle with the urges at night. Keep strong sister, I will pray for God to give you strength in these hard times.
Ms. Coronado
I totally know how you feel….im 14 and struggle with SI constantly….the littlest things just set me off!! I went blackberry picking with my mom and sister today and they kept yelping everytime they got pricked with a thorn and im just like rolling my eyes in my head and thinking how wimpy they are. I wanted to tell them that they don’t know anything and that is NOTHING compared to what i’ve done, but of course i dont say that..tho i wish i could sometimes!!! Anyway, im open to talk if u want cuz i know wut it feels like….so if u want to u can email me at salli123rox@yahoo.com id luv to talk to u since i dont rlly know many people who SI like me and they r hard to talk to cuz they dont know what its like….good luck with everything!!!!
-kenzie
Crazy feels different for everyone! It sounds like you are conflicted right now and maybe even confused, but definately overwhelmed. Recovery isn’t a well established path and is different for everyone. Keep on pushing forward and accept that mistakes are going to be made, as that is the only way we can learn sometimes.