Well, it’s summer. This means I haven’t harmed myself in about 2 months, not since I confessed to my stepparents and they flipped out, though it seems like a lot longer. I’ve managed to convince my therapist that I’m ok, normal… whatever that means, and that I was just way stressed and it only happened once which is a lie. I’ve stopped seeing him. My stepparents are convinced I’m thriving, basically I shut my mouth and agree with whatever they say, do whatever they want me to do without complaining, while secretly dreaming of the day I can legally escape.
It’s easy to cope with life over the summer though. No school, peer pressure, drama, bull to put up with every day. That’ll be the real test… how I deal with the added stress of completing senior year with good grades, deciding about my future, SAT’s, college prep… whatever. It doesn’t help my real dad is pressuring me about how I’ll pay for college every time I see him. I just don’t want to dissappoint him like I do my stepparents. It doesn’t help I live in the shadow of my perfect younger sister. I love her dearly but with my stepparents it’s always “oh, she’s the talented sister who can sing and draw, gets good grades, and is going to an exclusive private school next year; and you’re the moody public schooler who injures herself.”
I still remember the day I first realized my SI had become a problem, that I couldn’t stop. About a year ago friend of mine had started, and showed me his marks… He seemed almost proud, like he wanted to to say “good job, you’re like me now.” I just started sobbing and told him he shouldn’t do it any more or he’d end up like me. Addicted to the ritual of it, the pain, the release. I felt terrible that he had discovered my secret in the first place, let alone emulated my mistakes.
Now I’ve stopped again. It feels like a never ending cycle sometimes, stopping and starting over and over again. I often wonder if this time things will be different. I guess I’ll have to just wait and see.