I went three weeks without hurting myself and thought I was going strong. That ended. Then I went a week. That ended too. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m 20 years old. I don’t want to be dealing with this at 30, 40, 50…. Blah. I feel really weak sometimes. Not only with S.I but with everything. I get overwhelmed when I think of living my whole long life. Life is so hard. I always knew that intellectually but I never realized it. My friend’s younger brother was shot and clung to life for 17 days until finally passing away. I was there when he died. People die and bad things happen and I can’t imagine living my whole life like I do now. I don’t want to S.I. I don’t want to hate myself. I don’t want to always be going through the motions with a cloud over my head. I am a lot better than I used to be but there is something about being sad that is alluring, too. When I am healthy I recognize how much brighter and alive I am, yet the black hole still manages to suck me in. Or, rather, I suck myself back into the black hole.
Well I got into the stage and screen acting program at my school and am so excited to start my second year this fall. And terrified. I’m scared I won’t measure up. That my professors will regret the decision to let me in. I know I’m talented and worthy of being there but I only sometimes believe it.
I’m going back into counseling. It really helped last time but ended because you only get ten sessions at my university. This time it will be at my church. Hopefully they won’t be judgmental and it’s a positive experience.