Well its been just over 9 months since i lost my husband, and i’ve been SI for just over a year now, its been a few months, but tonight has been a bad night.. i saw a video of my husband as a child, and my god does he look like our son. The looks, to the way he walks, my son is a straight immitation of his daddy. I S.I. tonight, not once but twice, and i’m feeling like a total failure. I know its wrong, and yet i still do it.. 🙁
i cannot say that i understand how you feel entirely, i have not lost someone that close to me, and you have my condolences. what were you thinking about when you S.I. tonight? did you think of your husband, your son, yourself? i do not know you, or your husband, but i do know that he would not want you to do this to yourself.
I have a friend who also battles with SI, who has also lost her husband, and they had ONE child together — a little boy. Your post reminded me of her… as she lost her husband about 1.5yrs ago to cancer. The stories she shares break my heart, but watching her interact with her little boy makes me cry tears of joy!
Never forget that your husband will always be with you. You have a son, you BOTH have a son… and gratefully a handsome little one that “looks like him”. You didn’t physically lose your husband by choice, you did everything you could to keep him with you. Your son needs you right now to be mommy, not daddy, and when he’s old enough – he’ll learn more about what happened to daddy. What you can do is remind him (your son) about his daddy and the love of your life, the man who changed your life, the man who is encouraging you to keep on living right now… because your son needs you, you are all your son has in this world.
Maybe something you could is start a scrapbook or a memory book of your husband and son together. Put pictures together of when your husband was a child with present pictures of your son now. Keep a log of these feelings and connections and realizations. Your son might want to know more about his daddy later on and this would be a positive/ encouraging/ beautiful way to show your son how much he was like his daddy as a kid. Try and remember stories your husband told you about his childhood, write them down. Remember your husband for your son, which will eventually lead you to further healing.