I don’t think there is, at least a life that is fruitful and easy.  I almost find it easier to just continue with the negative coping because then at least I have a reason to hide myself.

I consider myself in recovery, but I am questioning why I ever stopped or reducing hurting myself to begin with…  Things are more complicated now because my body will forever show the effects of what I have done.  My scars aren’t going anywhere.  I still can’t wear short-sleeves, go swimming, dress comfortably for the weather, go the doctor, or even be comfortable in my own skin.  I risk not getting employed because of how I LOOK, rather than based on my qualifications! 

I can’t do normal activities now and at least when I was hurting myself, I had a reason for not doing them — I had to hide open marks and such.  Now, I am just hiding the scars… which aren’t nearly as bad, yet I feel more limited now.  I am mentally moving forward, but my body is still stuck in the past.

The quality of my life now after being without self-harm is worse than it ever was when I was actively engaging in it!  Things don’t make sense now, my behaviors don’t line up with my thoughts.  I hate my life more now than I ever did before.