It’s been 3 months since I went to the SAFE program and I have to say July is becoming the more difficult month than the first two.  My therapist just had a baby and we have had to stop therapy for 2 months.  I’m in the middle of preparing to move about an hour and a half away from where I’ve lived the past four years.  And my medication has become an issue.  First it was Effexor xr 300mg but some strange side effects emerged and I was brought down to 150 mg ( not tapered ) and spent a week and a half crying at least an hour a day ( one day 4 hours ).  At which point I decided I couldn’t take another depression right now and the risks didnt outweigh the benefits so I brought it back up to 300mg to preserve my sanity.So here I am preparing to undergo outpatient surgery right before I move out of state with my two children trying not to be depressed and trying to cope with my urges to SI even without seeing my therapist twice a week.  And so far I have managed to cope and I have managed to not SI which means in two days I will have 3 months SI free.  It’s times like these that I wish I still felt I had the choice to SI and my thoughts seem plagued with images of . . . to avoid being graphic . .  self injury. And yet I find myself reaching out rather than inward and taking time for myself as needed.  I’m a little discouraged but somehow still strong underneath it all.  And while im trying to juggle my mind and my life and my heart I have to say I’m doing a good job of keeping it together. So here’s to another month SI free and heres to hoping I have plenty more to come.Your life is what you make it.You can’t fake it and get by.Your choices are your own.Do you have to ask me why?Because I used to be afraid of every choice that I had made.Every consequence presented, every scar that wouldn’t fade.And I used to try and hide from every fear I held inside.Every pain trapped in my head and every single time I lied.With great struggle it all turned.To challenge my distortions was the best thing that I learned.And to face the pain assisted.Like an answer to my prayers, the burden slowly lifted.And today I’m taking time.To relax with special friends and offer you this rhyme.I don’t know how many times I can say thank you to everyone at the SAFE program.  I barely felt alive before I went there.  And there’s not a day that has gone by sine I left that I don’t see the change in me and feel the life in me.  Even when I was crying last week.  It was uncomfortable but I knew it couldn’t last forever.  And I let myself cry.  Even in front of my friends and neighbors and ex’s and children who all happened to be hanging around that week.When you want something badly enough, the whole Universe conspires to help you.I wanted to find healing.  And every day I find another way to do that. This is the painful progression of healing.The process of living while slowly revealing.Sadie Mae