So usually my blogs are to myself on myspace, set so only I can read them. Basically it’s all the same though; self-loathing, a look at why I’m alive, some explanation as to why I shouldn’t be, a little on me through other’s eyes, and no conclusion. That’s always how the story ends. Drawing a conclusion would mean coming to terms on how I feel about myself and what I should do about it, obviously not something I want to state, even to myself. I’m just about to start my second year of college and yet I might as well be going back to high school. I hate my college. It’s full of people that hate me, and I don’t look forward to it. In October, I will have been using SI as a coping mechanism for three years. A lifer, that’s what I consider myself, because I always back out of the promises and, for the first time, the treatment. My first year of college came with a deep depression that started affecting my classes, and so I told myself enough was enough. After much persuasion from friends, I went to see the school’s psychologist. Ha. Social anxiety, Border Line Personality, Depression, possibly Bipolar, OCD. All things I knew, but what to do about it. Unfortunately, I absolutely REFUSE to tell my parents, so without the ability to pay for treatment, I am unable to be treated. I guess that’s how things work in this time of money hungry people. But I can’t tell. My mom is the type that likes to keep things hush hush. And seeking treatment is not hush hush. On top of that, she is a nurse and has worked on the Psych Floor before, afterwards telling me about how much she hated people with Borderline Personality Disorder, one of the things I am diagnosed with. So I can’t tell. Absolutely not. And that is where my treatment ended, with a prescription for a $4 Walmart anti-depressant and a referral. I have lived with depression most of my life, and self injury for three years. I don’t even know if I want to be “saved”. I like self injury, I think. Isn’t life confusing?