I want more than just living day to day worrying what the future will hold. I find myself wondering why living my life SI free doesn’t feel better than this. Shouldn’t life be sweeter, more beautiful than mere existence? These days I feel like I’m hanging by a thread in a kind of limbo with a sharp in hand. I can use it to S.I. the thread and fall back to my old ways or I can climb the thread and hope the hard work will pay off at the top. Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth the effort.  Everyone around me thinks I’m happy and doing better, and I guess on the outside I am. Inside there’s hope, fear, anger, and pain all wrapped up in a shroud of doubt. The one person I used to go to with my issues, who’d hold me while I cried and released my innermost thoughts and feelings… I’m poison to him and I know it. He’s doing better these days, and I don’t want to drag him down with me.  Thankfully I haven’t gotten low enough to harm myself again. Sometimes though, I do want to use my sharps for old time’s sake. I’m on level ground for now, I’m semi-stable, surviving. I just know I can do better, be better. I’m scared it’ll get worse before it gets better though, so I just don’t expend the effort.~Kat~