I want more than just living day to day worrying what the future will hold. I find myself wondering why living my life SI free doesn’t feel better than this. Shouldn’t life be sweeter, more beautiful than mere existence? These days I feel like I’m hanging by a thread in a kind of limbo with a sharp in hand. I can use it to S.I. the thread and fall back to my old ways or I can climb the thread and hope the hard work will pay off at the top. Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth the effort. Everyone around me thinks I’m happy and doing better, and I guess on the outside I am. Inside there’s hope, fear, anger, and pain all wrapped up in a shroud of doubt. The one person I used to go to with my issues, who’d hold me while I cried and released my innermost thoughts and feelings… I’m poison to him and I know it. He’s doing better these days, and I don’t want to drag him down with me. Thankfully I haven’t gotten low enough to harm myself again. Sometimes though, I do want to use my sharps for old time’s sake. I’m on level ground for now, I’m semi-stable, surviving. I just know I can do better, be better. I’m scared it’ll get worse before it gets better though, so I just don’t expend the effort.~Kat~
I fear that everyday. I’ve stopped SI six months ago and I have almost had several relapses. I don’t know what the future holds for any of us, but we just have to keep holding onto that thread for ourselves and the people we care about. Don’t let yourself back into the pit. Its going to be hard, I’ll tell you that much, but even though I’m new and only 13, I know that all of us here have a life support. We just need to find it. Weather its this website or a friend, find it.
Recovery from self-injury is life long and unfortunately, it didn’t just miraculously get better the moment I stopped hurting myself. Life wasn’t really any better with self-injury either, despite how much better I may have believed it was helping… I think of all of the consequences I now face as a result of my decisions before?
Recovery from self-injury is so complicated! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to become whole.