on tuesday, my best friend read me two poems by our other friend, who is a guy. i cried when she read both poems, but then we got on a four-way call with another friend and nate ( the guy friend)- he used to si and he relapsed a week ago. he told me a few months ago and showed me one scar, which he wouldnt do before, on saturday last week -. we are both secretly in love with this guy, but he has a new girlfriend so we cant tell him. he didnt know that i had heard his poems, so he read them over the phone. i cried for a long time. he kept asking if i was ok and if i was there and i choked out that i was ok – still keeping the phone as far away from me as possible. i wrote this for him:

Her smile has no light.

Her eyes see just darkness.

She fakes a laugh.

She holds back tears.

You barely know who she is,

And yeet you told her the most important secret in the world.

Does that mean anything to you?

Her eyes are red.

She etches her pain with red ink

And tries to forget about you.

She hopes you’re not doing the same.

You don’t need that kind of pain.

Your words echo in her mind

Forcing her to pour her soul out.

You’ll never know

Why she wrote this,

Who she was thinking about,

Or the pain she felt

Because you’ll never read this.

You’ll never hear

Her crying out to you,

Her desperate battle with herself

For hating you…

And loving you.