I’m going through a kind of rough time right now. It’s been about three weeks since my last S.I., and I’m having a really hard time coping with things at the moment. My stepdad is in the hospital after having his heart surgery, and my stepmom spends just about every waking moment there with him. I haven’t seen either of them in over three days. I’m stuck at home watching my younger brother and sisters and taking care of everyone including myself, a task I’m not sure I’m capable of right now. I’m worrying about several of my friends as well, one of whom is having problems at home and the other who is majorly depressed about a girl. I’m scared that one or both of them may do something drastic since they’ve both harmed themselves in the past.  My therapist says I’m in the middle of a crisis and I’ll get through it, but he doesn’t know anything. I don’t open up to him at all. I just can’t trust enough to share. I don’t like therapists in general though, the ones I have experience with seem manipulative and phony. I’m sure that’s not true of all therapists and maybe I’m just being paranoid… I don’t know.  I ended up having a bit of a break down at lunch today. All of a sudden I just got really quiet and sad. A friend of mine kept asking what was wrong so finally I just blurted everything about my stepdad and how worried I was and how I was scared to visit him in the hospital after what happened with my real mother. I almost started crying and had to shut my eyes and hold it back for a while. I said I wished I could be one of those religious people who trusts in their faith to see them through and believes there’s a reason for everything. You can’t force yourself to believe in something though, and as much as I envy the deeply religious I don’t see how a kind loving all-knowing God could let the world become the terrible place that it is today. If there is a God that would allow this to happen, I don’t know that I want any part of His/Her religion. Is it bad to think that way? I don’t even care.  My friend tried to convince me to give her my sharps so I wouldn’t use them. I tried to explain that I need to know they’re there for me, not necessarily to use just as a comforting presence. They’ve been a part of my life for so long, I don’t know that I can just give them away. I need the temptation to be there so I can fight against it and become strong. The guy I like was sitting nearby during my little outburst and I know for sure he heard it all. Now he probably thinks I’m nuts, yet another thing I’ve ruined.~Kat~