Hi, I’m 37, and I SI, my fav tool is a lighter. I’ve been self injuring since i was a young child. Not one person knows about this, I have hidden it very well. What’s strange to me is, everyone who knows me has high praise for me, I seem to be a very strong person to everyone I know. If only they knew how much I struggle within myself, my outer, doesn’t show it. I think i’ve made it tougher for myself to deal with, because no one knows about this side of me. I have had a very tough life, many instances of different kinds of abuse, that have never been dealt with.
Only now, have I compelled myself to research SI. I am shocked by the amount of people who do this. I was totally surprised when reading about it, that yes, thats me!!! But I noticed that alot of people actually do have family or friends that know about their SI, that’s where I differ. I still can’t bring myself to inform my family and friends about mine. The closest I came to help was when a friend unexpectedly turned up at my apartment and saw all my belongins in boxes, and a bus ticket. My plan was to organize everything so no-one else had to(closed bank accounts and stopped utilities etc etc etc etc ),catch the bus, get off in the middle of nowhere and kill myself. After that, she reported it and I was stuck having meetings and counselling, I told her to swear to not tell my family about it, everything was organized on my behalf, so I had very little emotional involvement as possible with meetings etc, so it didn’t do me any good at all, I wasnt willing, so it didnt help.
I So i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I cant have therapy because I can’t afford it, alot of these SI help sites are only “text” help , or the chat places are empty. I’ve come this far to at least talk about it online, yet, no one is there to hear, that is so frustrating!!!! So, what am I supposed to do?? I can’t do this on my own, I’m trying to help myself but theres only the net to help myself.