. . . . I came upon a knife that I had hidden a long time ago. A knife that I have had for several years. I completed the safe program around the end of March so it hasn’t even been two months. However I didnt think that something like this would bother me because when I came home from the program I threw away all my knives and other such implements I used for destruction. I thought I had gotten them all.
Seeing this well hidden tool of destruction I had stored away suddenly makes me feel ashamed, confused, upset and frustrated. Ashamed that I had hidden it so well I didnt even remember I had it. Ashamed that I had one time thought it was necessary to do such a thing. Confused by my reaction to seeing it and holding it, the tightness in my chest, the sudden trigger. Upset by my own emotions and feelings. Frustrated that even as I’m trying to express them I don’t feel I can truly convey what I mean.
I want to throw it away, make it dissapear. But I haven’t been able to. And for some reason or another while trying to figure out what to do with it I stored it in my “old” hiding spot for all my other knives. I don’t feel like I will harm myself and that’s not even what I’m afraid of. Im just upset that I cant bring myself to throw it away and I had such a strong reaction to even seeing it. It was like confronting my former self. And it was scary and I wasn’t ready to see it all.
That and I missed my therapy appointment this week due to child care issues. And i had a long talk today with a friend about her early trauma issues . . . . lets just say it was a very triggering day, or two days really. Between missing my appointment for the week and finding the knife and talking to my friend about her trauma. . . Im kind of exhausted and don’t know what to do. So for now I keep myself busy. . . staining the wood in the kitchen, organizing and cleaning out the closets, doing the laundry, changing the sheets and pillow cases, doing dishes and cleaning the bathroom, vacumming. It’s not a bad distraction. Because I feel positive after completing these little daily odds and ends. But at some point I know I have to stop long enough to really look at these feelings and emotions. And its at those moments that I find it hard to really . . . I find it hard not to judge myself too harshly.
The bottom line is I’m doing the best I can. ( this is the part where I challenge my negative thinking! ) I haven’t self injured since I left the program and that’s very positive. I’ve stayed on my meds and kept all my doctors appointments as well as countless other appointments to make sure my and my childrens needs are met. I’m a good mother and a strong woman. Some days are just harder than others. And sometimes I just need a good cry. Maybe that’s what I’ll do tonight. Just have a good cry with myself in a warm bath(see that’s the part where I nurture myself). Because lately everytime I have a good cry when Im all done with it I end up sitting there laughing as the tears dry on my face . . . funny thing. Crying actually does feel like release now.
Just another challenge, another day, another drifting moment, another shifting of feelings.
How fickle is the mind we find when feelings shift and sway. Who once was lost and grieving finds her light can shine today. And though we may not know tomorrow or what her sky may bring, right now we can’t be bothered or dwell on all these things.
And I’ll say again how fickle it can be to emphasize.
How day by day we never know what feelings may arise.
But we face it all as best we can, we struggle and get through. For tomorrow you may find the light that’s trying to find you.