This is going to be my second summer in recovery and I am still working on my physical boundaries with “the public” in terms of what to show and what not to show, as I have a problem with the scars left over from my years and years of self-abuse. I officially started my road to recovery in June 2007.
I am doing better with my personal boundaries with myself. For example, I can now wear short sleeves around my apartment alone (this used to be impossible) and I wear long capri pants out in public — otherwise, it is always long sleeves. I can’t bring myself to wear shorts in private or public yet. Taking a bath or soaking in the tub still makes me nausated…. urr… I am not fully comfortable with looking at my own skin.
Swimming is my goal for the summer. I used to LOVE to swim! My apartment complex has a beautiful pool and it is right outside my window, but of course because of my physical appearance… it has never been possible. Now I am dealing with the scars and my desire to finally get back into the water. I am thinking about going swimming first thing in the morning when I get off work (I work all night) or possibly swimming after dark before I go into work at midnight, then people would be less likely to see me.
I have serious issues with others “seeing my scars”. I totally freak out if I know a child might see them, so swimming in public-public isn’t an option yet. I told one of my friends today who has a pool that I was going to buy a swimsuit this summer. She knows I am in recovery and last summer when she had a pool party at her house, she saw me sit out of the pool… despite what it was obvious I wanted to do. I think I have also found someone who will go swimsuit shopping with me.
This is soooo huge for me and I am scared, but I know I need to start expanding my boundaries with my skin.
– How do you face your “skin boundaries” with others?
– How is the summer time making it easier or more difficult?